What a nail-biter of a week! Although it appeared that most characters WERE NOT trapped in the collapsed underground parking structure of Jack's ill-fated Clear Springs casino, we were then reminded that HEL-LO this is daytime television and of course PRETTY MUCH everyone was buried in the methane ridden rubble.
We began with Sharon waking up, busty and dusty, alone and afraid in piles of concrete smashed into unfortunate luxury cars. Soon after, she stumbled across Jack and Nicholas who instantly began with escape plans. This caused major annoyances at the prison since Phyllis was only about twelve hours away from work release, but her fear of losing Nick made her start acting like she actually belonged behind bars. Meanwhile, although Sharon's leg was badly injured, the boys discovered a narrow route out of the debris, but only if one manly man was willing to hold up a giant pile of rubble to let the others crawl underneath at the sacrifice of themselves. Despite some major cock sparring, Jack drew the martyr straw and Sharon and Nick escaped with relative ease - yet somehow even though they had JUST taken a path DIRECTLY from Jack's location, the rescue team was somehow unable to find his old, retching body (and most of us were secretly cheering).
Meanwhile, Nicki and Victor (amongst other Genoa City citizens) tensely waited at the edge of the rescue teams efforts. Yet nothing was more scary than Nicki suddenly without her normal facepaint and we all realized that she might be just as old as Mrs. Chancellor. However, just as Nick and Sharon emerged safely, the rescue team reported that a young boy "Noah" was badly injured and also buried somewhere below...thus the melodrama ensued (and again we secretly cheered, this time with one of those big foam No. 1 hands).
So then we come across Maggie, Paul, Lauren, and Noah in an even more cramped and charred cavity. It was only because I like Lauren that I didn't completely pray to the gods that the entire area collapse upon itself and rid us of the other three douches..but the sacrifice might have been worth it... Although with Paul constantly comforting Lauren during her insipid panic attacks, it became clear that Maggie felt oh-so-left-out and that her Linda Hamilton-esque persona might not exactly be what Paul desires. But alas, the four were saved without any major issues other than Noah having to be rushed to the hospital to have his spleen removed (as if we cared).
Leaving us to discover Cane, JT, and poor old Mrs. Chancellor ALSO buried alive. After another bout of cock sparring on this one, the boys climbed deftly up an elevator shaft, leaving Mrs. C alone but supposedly safe, in order to alert a rescue team. Yet as muscles and soot were mingling with sweat man-sweat, Amber was suddenly seen fighting her way out of a crushed car...and even though she considered finding her career-saving designs, she realized that her hot ass is what really needed saving and she crawled across broken glass and hot wires until she stumbled upon Katherine. Heartwarming conversations ensued as the ladies awaited help, and Cane and Amber seemed to share SOMETHING special as he returned and rescued both his grandma and ex-wife.
And while this is all going on we are to assume Jack is basically left for dead because he writes this melodramatic letter to Sharon, thanking her for her love (i.e. her big voluptous boobs). Boo-hoo.
Meanwhile, above ground, JT suddenly realized that Victoria was still missing, and then a rescue working poured hot acid on the wound when he showed her crushed and disfigured Gucci bag recovered from the rubble. At that point, we discovered Victoria alone, but determined, in a tiny little cave of despair. But soon after, we heard a girly grunt as Professor Korbel pushed aside a piece of concrete and joined the party. Although with the lack of oxygen and apparent crappiness of the situation, Victor payed for a high-quality search camera that discovered the pair and just when Victoria laughed, "We're ok!" A GIANT and DEVASTATING explosion from the methane build up rocked the whole rescue camp and the hard-ass rescue coordinator immediately called off anymore recovery action. But in the second most gratifying moment of the week (we're almost to the first), Victor and his enormous balls ran inside to save his daughter...but instead stumbled upon Jack face down in the dirt. As he drags out Jack, JT then takes over and comes across Victoria and Adrian (who was crying like the art-fag he is for having a giant piece of rebar through his thigh). All seemed miraculously saved until just as Victoria emerged, smiling brightly, a piece of concrete fell and smacked her right in the head - knocking her unconscious.
So we end the week at the hospital, with Noah spleen-less, Jack appearing to be just fine, Victoria unconscious but the baby is well, and IN THE BEST MOMENT OF THE WEEK, Brad with giant bandages over his eyes that were damaged from the explosion! Serves the asshole right.
We were also returned to Genoa City with a long, drawn-out sex scene with (ugh) Paul and Maggie - but the post-coitus talk seemed relatively awkward and Maggie stroked the detectives chest hair as he discussed his intense connection with Lauren. Hmmm...