Wide Cracks Need Filling...

OCT 15th - 19th

As I so APTLY predicted, all this filler material we have been tolerating so several weeks now was most DEFINITELY the calm before the storm. For the past week, in particular, we were suddenly whisked away to Clear Springs for almost ALL of the show, setting up a most delicious catastrophe to end our week.

BUT FIRST! As Phyllis has been diligently working to become a model inmate (using only one square of toilet paper and using her toothbrush for intended purposes only), our favorite prison bitch was granted work release; meaning that although she has to return to a minimum security prison each night, she will be going back to Newman during the day and able to return to the fabulous world of stilletos and cat fights. However, this comes just as Phyllis has been befriended by the prison Chaplain, who was coincidentally also the Chaplain for John Abbot during his hard-time, as well...which certainly fired up Michael, surely opening the possiblity that Jack's seedy manipulation of John's will to be revealed later on.

Then, after a ROUSING game of B-ball wherein Daniel and Amber took on Cane and Heather in a heated "you suck" battle, Cane and Heather totally made out on the court. Unfortunately Amber witnessed the tonguing by accident, but luckily it fueled her into action! She suddenly had new fashion designs to show Lauren and a mix tape of her singing (in real life this would only be possible with a handful of coke, but we'll accept it). And just when it seemed a new romance was in the mix, Cane remembered that he's supposed to be the show's playboy and began pining for Lily again. After a heartfelt conversation with Jill who told Cane that it's ok to love someone no matter HOW YOUNG (yeeeeahhh) or HOW OLD (eeeewwww) someone is, Cane called his young filly.

Meanwhile, Detective Maggie made yet another major blunder early in the week when she leaked to Jill that golden retriever hair was found on Ji-Min's body, making Jack the prime murder suspect. UHHH..HEL-LO! HAS EVERYONE FORGOTTEN ABOUT VICTOR'S TRUSTY GOLDEN RETRIEVER, SABATO??!! Either way, this immediately lit a fire under Jill's ass as she decided to piously confront the Jackster and then proceeded to blab blab blab all over town town town, convincing most of the town that Jack is a cold-blooder wind-pipe crusher.

Then up at Clear Springs, JT was still running his undercover-brother investigation of possible construction kickbacks. When he mentioned to his supervisor (Carl the Janitor from the Breakfast Club) that he noticed the cement being poored incorrectly, he was quickly offered a promotion and some bribing cash, thus revealing that some secrets were definitely being circulated. Soon after, JT began checking the foundation of the Casino and parking structure only to find that the entire thing was completely crumbling apart. Cane and Mrs. Chancellor immediately inspected the work, as well, and agreed that all cracks and holes nneeded to be filled. Yes, Cane, I believe they do.

Poor aging Nicki also began having second thoughts about her divorce with Victor, however before she even had to opportunity to suggest he take her back, Victor played the asshole card and advised her that he was calling in the ENTIRE NVP loan. Shocked and devastated, Nicki and David went to EVERYONE for money, but to no avail. It seemed that no one feels comfortable handing over millions of dollars to an ex-stripper and her annoying pussy-whipped boyfriend...gee, I wonder why. But just as David was consoling Nicki at the construction site, they suddenly heard a HUUUGE crash and plumes of smokes and ash and broken building rose in the air...where we received an immediate cut to Sharon waking up in a pile of buried rubble.

So this is where everyone was left at this moment (cause pretty much everyone but Victor and Phyllis were up dilly-dallying in Clear Springs business):

Sharon, Jack, and Nick were together in the parking garage, and presumably Victoria and Adrian are also down below since they all just ran into each other - but we're not sure.

Cane, JT, and Mrs. C were down inspecting all of the villainous cracks.

Maggie, Paul, Lauren, and Noah are on their way to go fishing (this was not important enough to elaborate on due to its incredibly cheesy scenario).

Amber, Nicki, and David are all above ground.

Jill is drinking scotch, smoking a Virginia Slim, and dousing herself in Chanel No. 5 back at the Athletic Club.


So at this point, we can only imagine some interesting relationships will take shape this next week...but I have also been informed that SOMEONE WILL DIE. Who could it be? Your guess is as good as mine, but if Victoria loses her baby I think I will also spiral into depression because SHE DESERVES HAPPINESS, DAMMIT...suggestions?