Ahhh yesss...let's begin another relatively UNEVENTFUL week (although the few twists and turns suggest a highly treacherous set of events coming up).
First off, after being completely unable to give Victor a solid alibi for the night of Ji-Min's death, Michael made the heinous suggestion that The Mustache should consider pleading guilty in self-defense. Victor flew off the handle, rightly-so, and canned Michael immediately. Simultaneously, assistant D.A. Heather was getting the heat from her boss to get the murder case to trial. Soon after, a no-name valet contacted her, saying that he was positive he saw Victor go into a restaurant at the EXACT time of the murder. Unable to ward off her natural bitchiness, Heather blew off the valet and grabbed another double latte (because she isn't high strung enough, right?).
BUT THEN, as Michael was commiserating about his recent canning, the valet came BACK into Crimson Lights asking for jumper cables. Luckily, Kevin put two-and-two-together and alerted Michael to the situation...wherein Michael probed the young, naive valet and obtained all of the pertinent facts. Victor obviously hired our favorite attorney back on, and the tables began turning. Heather's case has always relied on a waitress at the Athletic Club who claimed to have seen Victor at the place of death - but after Michael put the heat on, she admitted to being paid off by an unknown source (and of course her husband NEEDED an OPERATION...and other melodramatic nonsense). And AT LAST we are sure that Victor is NOT the murderer! And now we can begin our case against Mrs. Chancellor!!!
Meanwhile, Gloria and Jeffery jetted off to Vegas for an unannounced nuptial. WHY?! you ask? In a nutshell, Gloria is an idiot; but the long story is that Jeffery has been continuing to blackmail our black widow and she has been concocting a plan to make it look like her new beau is going to kill her. Sounds easy enough, but then again, nothing Gloria ever does is easy - unless it's purchasing an authentic African Leopard skin body suit. Luckily, Lauren and Kevin realize how out-of-control our prowling granny is, and they hacked into Jeff's phone records - discovering that he has been calling the same number in Korea OVER AND OVER, suggesting that he might have a mistress? or maybe a pension for Wii cheat codes?
Speaking of Gloria screwing old things, just as Jack was attempting to turn over a new leaf and give Gloria half of John's estate, she decided to play hardball and also demand the Abbot Mansion. Jack was furious, but this didn't stop John's emphatically boring ghost to drop in and tell Jack to move out. Wouldn't it be hilarious if John's ghost ended up being a projection just like in Scooby Doo that Gloria keeps turning on? Somehow that makes more sense...
And beings that tonight is the 87th Annual Miss America Pageant, it's only fitting that Jabot introduced its own pageant girls this past week with their "Faces of Jabot" contest. All week Lily was slowly getting more and more snobby, with coy little looks that screamed, "Oh no! Stop! Don't look at me..but LOOK AT ME!" And Cane, who is equally egocentric, was subsequently smitten with his young flower's attempts at modesty. However, their attempts to "seal the deal" were continually interrupted - with one most embarrassing moment when Karen walked in on a heavy lip-lock.
Meanwhile, Amber was getting dressed up as "Marina" (nothing hotter than a name that reminds one of a fish) to go to the "Faces of Jabot" finalists announcement. Suddenly, the camera turned to Daniel and OH-MY-GOD WHAT DID HE DO TO HIS HAIR???? Not only does he have a new uber-emo-boy cut, but it's this HEINOUS ash blond color. As my eyes were unable to tear away from this new trainwreck, something happened where Cane pulled off "Marina's" wig in front of all the cameras at the announcement and left Amber bawling and beaten-down. It was like that scene in Carrie where she's hearing her mother's voice saying, "They're all going to laugh at you," except in this case, they really were. Thankfully, Mrs. C still has a heart and rushed Amber away back home - but just as they were having a teary heart-to-heart, the old broad keeled over and lay lifeless on the floral sofa.
And in other schmoopy news, JT was allowed to take Reed home and all of the Newman's crowded round to hold the baby. Blahhhh. BUT NEXT WEEK! Just wait - the schmoopyness will be overwhelming.
Did I miss anything? I'm still reeling from Daniel's new crapcut. Woe is me.
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