Well there were no actual alien sightings this week, but we can be sure that much of what is happening is leading up to something sumptuous soon...
So as Paul was digesting the recent news that David Chow's ex-ladies all ended up with an ill-fated "accident," Nicki and David were still enjoying their honeymoon bliss back in Genoa City.
"You are such a wonderful new
"Yes...and you have such a gianormous
"I looooove yoooooouuuu...."
Anyway, so then Daniel is saying to goodbye to everyone in GC to start his new career as head photographer for his dad's tour. It was almost reminiscent of women sending their men off to war, as Amber and Phyllis were all tight and teary and Daddy D and Baby D were hitching up their bags to take off...but then we all remembered that Daddy D is a washed-up dough boy musician who only had one hit in the early 90s and no one even remembers the tune to it anymore...but that doesn't mean we didn't get to see a lot of great scenes where Danny talked about how wonderful and EXCITING his career has been, while whipping out his cell-phone to take very important business calls...
"What do you mean my Costco Card is going to expire? Do you know who I AM?!"
At the same time, Gloria was also struggling with reality when she had her pile of diamond appraised and discovered that they were FAKES (because her soon-to-be-ex Jeffery carefully switched them, half-joking/half-serious). With the possibility of prison looming, but also having apparently no assets to her name (proving Kelly right, once again, that poor people can't even correctly use their money if they had it anyway, and thus should all be jailed), Gloria signed away all 50 million smackeroos to her beloved ex-Jeffery. THEN that strumpet Jill proceeded to fire our favorite down-and-out dame AND take Jeffery to dinner with her old saggy cleavage all hanging out. This proved most problematic for Michael and Lauren who are ALWAYS trying to have sex and are CONSTANLY interupted!
"Check it out...my boobs are so firm that they don't even move when I jump up and down!"
"You're not the ONLY one!"
"Let's make sweet, sweet looooove..."
SUDDENLY! *Banging on the front door*
"Dammit Gloria! I'm trying to get some ACTION here!"
But someone else DID get to make sweet love this week, in the form of PURE EVIL. In a slightly pervy and unpredictable meeting, Adam and Heather did the dirty deed alll night, and a little bit the next morning. And when you put two unstoppable closers together, sex apparently happens this fast:
Adam sees some nice glutes and decides he needs to tap that.
Heather agrees that she has a tappable ass and they should discuss said tappable ass over drinks.
Heather says she likes her martinis dirty.
Adam asks if she likes anything else dirty.
Apparently she does.
And as the two sexcapaders rushed off to work the next morning, wasn't it HILARIOUS that they were both rushing to the VERY SAME MEETING? where Adam was defending Newman Enterprises and Heather was defending Jabot? ZOMG!
Life with the Winters' residence is also crazy kooky wacky since crazy kooky wacky Chloe moved in...and GET THIS - she threw out Devon's sugary cereal and whole milk and REPLACED it with a healthy cereal and soy milk! THAT BITCH! I totally remember when Thor was all, "Yo I'm vegan.." and I was like, "Sprouts?" and he was like, "Yeahhhh!" And I was like *raised eyebrows* but we all know how THAT ended up! So I'm totally predicting a little Chlovon action in the future.
"You know, they once thought I murdered a bitch named Carmen Mesta...hmmm...Carmen...Chloe...they sound a little SIMILAR don't you THINK?"
But Lily still got a hot new gig in New York AND everyone at Jabot is raving her bone structure, so things for the Lilster are looking up...next week's Dateline, "The New Diet: Model Miscarriages".
So that's it for this week...let me know if you like the new format and maybe I'll stick with it.