There's no place like jail for the holidays...

Dec 15th - 19th, 2008

Well when we last left off, things were certainly sucking for the Baldwins - and this week started off with Gloria's arrest after Jeffery duped our favorite elderly hottie to confess her role in the tainted Jabot face cream; 

Kev: "Mawwwmmm, you did this to yourself..."

Glo: "But I always find a cute way to get out of things! Poo!"

And yet, as much as I love Glo, frankly I couldn't muster up my sympathies for her (even as she looked a might heinous without makeup or leopard gloves) - I mean really, Gloria, REALLY! you got yourself in this murderous makeup mess. This also left a string of people to visit Gloria, either for moral support (i.e. The Baldwins) or for blood (i.e. The Abbots)...and how the hell Gloria will get out of this mess is anyone's guess.

"Whoever said that orange is the new pink was seriously disturbed."

And while Gloria was busy trading cigarettes for soap in the slammer, Michael tracked his deadbeat dad, Lowell, to a proverbial warehouse where he was about to skip town...and the only reason he wasn't sunning himself in Malibu yet was because Lowell had stashed the fat wad of cash Janna gave him into Eden's loveable stuffed teddy bear. However, Eden and Noah found the $$ and INSTEAD of blowing it on whippets and a buffet of Fourth Meal (like any other teenagers would) they quickly hid the money for later (ahhh many Mexican Pizzas await!) - but this created a thorn in Lowell's side when he discovered Mr. Teddy empty. Daddy then tearfully admitted his guilt to Michael, left Eden, and fled town...while his only begotten son quickly went to District Attorney Heather Stevens and reported the crime (how noble, Mikey).

Unfortunately, with Kevin adopting Mrs. Chancellor's rehab money and Janna giving it away to Lowell without permission has also been causing a strain on the newlywed's marriage, as well.

"Heyyyy...so you know my dear old dad I've been fighting so hard for? Yeahhhh...he's a total fraud and ditched me...AGAIN."

"Say what?"

"Yeahhhh...he's totally a murderer AND a bank robber. A little tax fraud, too..."

"Ohhhhhhhhh!"

"FIRST you try to kill me, then my mom pays for your brain tumor removal, and now you've given my money to a bonafide felon??!!"

"You don't understand! I watched a Roseanne marathon last week! I kept thinking that I should wear the pants in our relationship!"

"Yeah?! Well NO ONE wears pants in our house because we are officially TOO POOR!"


*So this would be a BAD time to tell him how much my Harajuku sweater and scarf cost...*

SPEAKING of bad news, life was certainly sucking a fat one for Heather after Adam also did a little confessing of his own. Once Jr Newman spilled the beans about the novel's forgery, he then led a convincing argument that Heather ditch her "prestigious" public position and hop a flight to London with Adam and live happily ever after (and most of us were like, "Totes! Do it!"). Conflicted as ever, Heather insisted Adam go to the airport where she would meet him - but unfortunately, her "moral code" kicked in (whatever THAT is) and she meet her fiance at the airport with a little jewelry of her own: handcuffs.

And apparently Crimson Lights needs to open a franchise in the Genoa City Jailhouse because the popularity of visiting inmates this week never stopped. Nicki visited Victor about some stupid children's memorial trust that no one cares about, and of course they argued. Meanwhile, Ashley was able to kill two birds with one stone (which is so important during the busy holiday season) as she moved from berating Gloria in one visiting room, to making out with Victor in the next.

And down one block at the courthouse, Family Attorney Rafe Torres informed the Tyra and the Winters that Neil and Karen would NOT be able to be foster parents for Anna while the whole custody mess gets figured out because they are not yet married (SINNERS!). Selfless, warm-hearted and amazingly talented Karen immediately suggested they move up the wedding date, but Tyra (quickly burgeoning bitch) snapped back that Karen should MOVE OUT.

"So it's totally obvious that I want Neil to be my baby daddy, right?"

"Excuse me? Have you SEEN my glutes at the gym? I will kickbox your ass back to Seattle in a heartbeat, biotch."

And of course Neil, being a total tool, didn't address the issue at all.

"On second thought, I'm screwed."

And SPEAKING of HOMEWRECKERS, Phyllis and Nick have been trying to patch up their crumbling marriage since Phyllis admitted witnessing he and Sharon's passionate liplock in Paris (furthering my argument that blondes DO have more fun). As they were setting up Summer's birthday party, they were awkwardly interrupted from a kinky moment by Nicky and Noah, but things continued to get more awkward when Sharon showed up with presents. 

"I hope that box is SOFT because I'm about that cram that shit down your throat!"

"This new gay haircut and argyle sweater vest symbolize my inability to step in right now..."

"You realize I'm about to get Hannibal Lecter on your face right now, right?"

And although it's not particularly exciting, Mrs. Chancellor is still working hard at the diner, and cozying up with Murphy in the double-wide - possibly implying a little rags to riches story for Murph is the future. Mrs. C pawned her ring and handed Murphy the whole $10k in gratitude - but surely the ring is going to resurface as "stolen" wherein Katherine will be rediscovered...probably.

To be continued!