Daniel gets a Douchey New Do

JAN 21st - 25th, 2008

Ahhh yesss...let's begin another relatively UNEVENTFUL week (although the few twists and turns suggest a highly treacherous set of events coming up).

First off, after being completely unable to give Victor a solid alibi for the night of Ji-Min's death, Michael made the heinous suggestion that The Mustache should consider pleading guilty in self-defense. Victor flew off the handle, rightly-so, and canned Michael immediately. Simultaneously, assistant D.A. Heather was getting the heat from her boss to get the murder case to trial. Soon after,  a no-name valet contacted her, saying that he was positive he saw Victor go into a restaurant at the EXACT time of the murder. Unable to ward off her natural bitchiness, Heather blew off the valet and grabbed another double latte (because she isn't high strung enough, right?). 

BUT THEN, as Michael was commiserating about his recent canning, the valet came BACK into Crimson Lights asking for jumper cables. Luckily, Kevin put two-and-two-together and alerted Michael to the situation...wherein Michael probed the young, naive valet and obtained all of the pertinent facts. Victor obviously hired our favorite attorney back on, and the tables began turning. Heather's case has always relied on a waitress at the Athletic Club who claimed to have seen Victor at the place of death - but after Michael put the heat on, she admitted to being paid off by an unknown source (and of course her husband NEEDED an OPERATION...and other melodramatic nonsense). And AT LAST we are sure that Victor is NOT the murderer! And now we can begin our case against Mrs. Chancellor!!!

Meanwhile, Gloria and Jeffery jetted off to Vegas for an unannounced nuptial. WHY?! you ask? In a nutshell, Gloria is an idiot; but the long story is that Jeffery has been continuing to blackmail our black widow and she has been concocting a plan to make it look like her new beau is going to kill her. Sounds easy enough, but then again, nothing Gloria ever does is easy - unless it's purchasing an authentic African Leopard skin body suit. Luckily, Lauren and Kevin realize how out-of-control our prowling granny is, and they hacked into Jeff's phone records - discovering that he has been calling the same number in Korea OVER AND OVER, suggesting that he might have a mistress? or maybe a pension for Wii cheat codes?

Speaking of Gloria screwing old things, just as Jack was attempting to turn over a new leaf and give Gloria half of John's estate, she decided to play hardball and also demand the Abbot Mansion. Jack was furious, but this didn't stop John's emphatically boring ghost to drop in and tell Jack to move out. Wouldn't it be hilarious if John's ghost ended up being a projection just like in Scooby Doo that Gloria keeps turning on? Somehow that makes more sense...

And beings that tonight is the 87th Annual Miss America Pageant, it's only fitting that Jabot introduced its own pageant girls this past week with their "Faces of Jabot" contest. All week Lily was slowly getting more and more snobby, with coy little looks that screamed, "Oh no! Stop! Don't look at me..but LOOK AT ME!" And Cane, who is equally egocentric, was subsequently smitten with his young flower's attempts at modesty. However, their attempts to "seal the deal" were continually interrupted - with one most embarrassing moment when Karen walked in on a heavy lip-lock.

Meanwhile, Amber was getting dressed up as "Marina" (nothing hotter than a name that reminds one of a fish) to go to the "Faces of Jabot" finalists announcement. Suddenly, the camera turned to Daniel and OH-MY-GOD WHAT DID HE DO TO HIS HAIR???? Not only does he have a new uber-emo-boy cut, but it's this HEINOUS ash blond color. As my eyes were unable to tear away from this new trainwreck, something happened where Cane pulled off "Marina's" wig in front of all the cameras at the announcement and left Amber bawling and beaten-down. It was like that scene in Carrie where she's hearing her mother's voice saying, "They're all going to laugh at you," except in this case, they really were. Thankfully, Mrs. C still has a heart and rushed Amber away back home - but just as they were having a teary heart-to-heart, the old broad keeled over and lay lifeless on the floral sofa.

And in other schmoopy news, JT was allowed to take Reed home and all of the Newman's crowded round to hold the baby. Blahhhh. BUT NEXT WEEK! Just wait - the schmoopyness will be overwhelming.

Did I miss anything? I'm still reeling from Daniel's new crapcut. Woe is me.

A Crock Pot Full of Vomit

Jan 7th - 18th, 2008

So my theory that Mrs. Chancellor offed Ji-Min has not come into fruition, but I urge you to be patient...it will come.

HOWEVER, when we last left off, Victor had been arrested but was quickly out on bail, leaving our favorite mustache more bitter and alone than before. And to relieve his ire, not only did he call in the entire NVP loan, froze Nicki's assets, and sent out a nasty settlement proposition in his divorce where not only does Victor intend to take all corporate entities away from his estranged wifey, but also strip her of her jewelry and couture gowns...and what a frolicsome day Noah will have when he finds all of those goodies unused in storage! Meanwhile, as Nick piously attempted to defend his philandering mother, Victor threw down the hammer and fired his prodigal son, as well. 

And speaking of bitter and alone men, after Brad's constantly (and frankly desperate) attempts to win Sharon's vagina...errrr HEART, I mean, Sharon laid down the law and broke all ties with Brad in the name of her love for Jack. This was EVEN AFTER Brad forced a wanna-be passionate kiss in a meeting room. This leaves Brad with only Colleen left in his life, and she is uber-preoccupied with her girly-armed professor, but remember ladies: Navy Seals don't cry - they just go kick some one's ass, so watch out!

Meanwhile, the action with Cane and Lily has been heating up like a crock pot full of vomit. After some hot lip-locks, the duo seemed to have decided to "officially" date each other, despite Neil's attempts to thwart the pair...and didn't it seem just a MIGHT BIT SUSPICIOUS when the finalists for the "Face of Jabot" contest were announced, and SURPRISE! Lily is one of the lucky ladies?! Like, really? Lily Winters? REALLY? Anyway, Amber's alter-ego Moira or whatever also just HAPPENED to be a finalist, but everyone seemed super suspicious so we can expect more blondrama soon.

But don't think that Cane and Lily are the only hot new couple around town, as Daniel seems to have pulled the dead squirrel out of Heather's butt and somehow made her a mildy more likable character - so much so that she even agreed to free Jana in some moment of melodramatic altruism...and yet, Daniel has NO CLUE how much baggage he is about to run into...because just as we thought the 20 year old District Attorney was adapting to her new daddy, Paul, then her mom, April, dropped into town just to stir the pot. And unfortunately for Maggie, Paul's baby mommy is a might be more attractive...

And so that's about it - no cat fights, no salacious sex, no fancy dinners at the Colonnade Room...the ONLY thing that left us a bit hanging was new sneaky activity in David Chow's life. We all know he enjoys being Nicki's little lap dog, but first JT witnessed old Chow in a heated debate with a mysterious man at the Athletic club, then Paul saw David FREAKING OUT over the phone, saying, "I don't have the money!!! I just don't have it yet!!!" Leading us to believe that the lap dog's intentions are perhaps nefarious.

My secret sources do inform me that Victoria's wake is not far off - at least we have that to look forward to.

Victor is sent to the slammer!!

Dec 31 - Jan 4th (I know I said the other one was thru the 1st, but technically it wasn't)

BTW, one of my New Year's resolutions is to keep up with this baby every week - it's really hard!

ANYWAY, the week was a little light on the drama side, what with a huge snowstorm hitting Genoa City and leaving most of our notorious citizens stuck inside in unlikely pairings - however, the steamy affairs that usually seem to happen in such extreme weather only existed between the hot chocolate and marshmallows. Just as it seemed Sharon was about to kick Jacko to the curb, Noah threw a mildly less dramatic fit than his normal hissy-self and trekked through the snow down to the tack house after overhearing his mommy tell Jack that she was leaving him. After a traditional father-son chat that seemed reminiscent of Ward Cleaver, Noah's woes were subdued and Sharon came to pick him up - only to be snowed in! Burrrr! But nothing debauched happened...Nick and Sharon played cards. Literally. It was that boring.

Meanwhile, the snowstorm also stranded Phyllis and barf-tastic Brad Carlton at the Athletic Club, where our least favorite man of the show attempted to persuade Phyllis into officially breaking up Sharon and Jack. Although Phyllis agrees with the rest of the world that Sharon is a megaslut, she was obviously not up for 1) teaming up with Brad and 2) getting over-involved in someone else's drama - WHAAAA? isn't this a soap opera???

Another oxymoronic pair kept together in the snow was Nicki and Victor - who spent the manic night rehashing their unstoppable love with petty arguments about multimillion dollar lawsuits - which IRONICALLY is JUST how Thor and I spent our nights at the Cabin over Xmas! OMG! 

And just as Jack was miserable and alone, Ashley popped in back from LA (I know I already told you this - sue me). They shared sleep-worthy stories about John, and Ashley attempted to convince her blatantly bitter brother to give Gloria her deserved money. She also touched on her failed engagement (on B&B) and how Abby loves the ocean - speaking of which...WHERE THE HELL IS ABBY? if BRAD is in Genoa City and ASHLEY is in Genoa City - did she just forget her child? But just as the storm ended, Sharon made the decision to stick it out with Jack - but as expected, she told Brad before telling Jack, wherein Jack then spied upon Brad giving Sharon a lot of heavy hand petting and he took off before she could give him the good news. 

And in the storyline I am SOOO ready to rid myself of discussing, Cane seems to have AGAIN decided he likes Lily. Can someone PUH-LEASE stop off at Crimson Lights next week and advise Lily to tell Cane to SHOVE IT? His bumbling Aussie accent and hot body isn't doing it for us ANYMORE! We ladies like guys who are rough but RELIABLE all the same - which is why JT gets the "Hunk of the Week" award for not only taking care of his primi baby while nursing his comatose fiance, but also doing a little backseat investigating for Victor who is clearly being framed! Because just as things couldn't get ANY lower, Victor was arrested at Newman Enterprises and WE ALLL know it was someone flying under the radar.

My guess is it's Mrs. Chancellor. 

I'm serious. She has lots of motive and doesn't seemed uber-concerned that Victor was arrested. 

It was Mrs. Chancellor.

Holidays Suck Big Genoa City Balls

Dec 1 - Jan 1

That's right - I'm paring down the whole debauched-filled month of tinsel and tawdry affairs into one big update; somewhat since the holidays threw off the Y&R schedule a bit, and somewhat since I'm so darned busy!

First off I won't hold the suspense - Victoria is STILL comatose. Boring, I agree. However, after the emergency C-Section and the fact that the baby SURVIVED, the question of the babe's father began surfacing. Thankfully, after a week of cock-sparring in the "your baby is pathetically wimpy" ward, Dr. Okamora revealed that JT Helstrom was INDEED the deserved father of Victoria's baby - thus leaving Brad bitter and alone. Happy holidays to me! So Victoria was moved to the Ranch where Victor and Nicki could spend much more time with her (albeit not at the same time since they are clawing each others' eyes out) and JT chose Nicki's maiden name, Reed - because a "reed bends, but does not break..." blah blah blahhhh. And despite all the trauma to the Newmans, Nicki and David still found time to slobber all over each other, causing Victor to bitterly call in her loan; which caused David to hide the news from his beloved; which caused Nicki to FREAK OUT that another man was controlling her; but then they made up and decided to snag Mrs. Chancellor and Jack Abbot to join them in a class action suit against Victor and his conservative oil drilling that caused the whole mess to begin with.

And now that Victor's life was even more miserable and alone than stupid Brad's, Det. "I'm still retarded" Maggie has determined that Victor is the primary suspect in Ji-Min's death after she found the asian stud's blood in Victor's gym bag. But I mean, really, Thor told me that when he used to work nights down at 24HourFitness, men were swapping ALL SORTS of fluids in the locker room, so what happens in the Athletic Club STAYS in the Athletic Club. Meanwhile, David has also proposed to Nicki (with seedy undertones) but she has not yet officially accepted, meaning that none of you prayed hard enough for my "Anvil falls on Nicki's head" storyline - WTF, readers? WTF?!

Jack's life is also sucking particulary hard since he was forced to resign from the Senate after not only were his Jabot interests and the death of Ji-Min making him look bad, but then Gloria received a letter that John Abbot wrote declaring that Jack had forged a new will. With all the lying and deceit suddenly surfacing, Sharon decided to call it quits (after what, 5 months???) but has not officially stepped out of the Abbot mansion (it does have a fantastic game room that would be hard to leave) but I think we all know it's really because there's nothing less sexy than an unemployed guy with no prospects who still expects you to do his laundry.

Cane and Lily are also on the outs after he SHAMELESSLY flirted with her young, naive heart (included one hell of an eskimo kiss) but he finally broke it off due to her age...but I think we all know it's really because there's nothing less sexy than an underage girl who won't put on the school girl costume when asked - prude.

But just when it seemed that EVERYONE'S lives suck big Genoa City balls, our favorite hard-ass, Heather, agreed to have Christmas dinner with her estranged dad, Paul - all thanks to a begrudging heart-to-heart with Daniel, who once faced the same anguish. They are SOOOO gonna hook up - just watch.

And yeah, Phyllis is enjoying her time back out of the slammer; Neil realized Karen is a hot sexy singer, but not that she's still in the closet; Mrs. Chancellor is trying out for Ms. Universe now that Amber is her personal trainer; Ashley moved back into Genoa City yesterday; Jeffrey 

Bardwell is blackmailing Gloria to marry him.

And the crystal ball says: Victoria wakes the f-up! Doesn't JT deserve it? After pretending to father Britney's baby years ago and now fathering a real son of his own, DOESN'T HE DESERVE IT??