Stuffy Weddings, Dueling Divas, and Secret Kisses Galore...

February 4th - 8th, 2008

THAT'S RIGHT! Bitches were battling it out all week and it was definitely a joy to watch.

As Gloria and Jeffery began moving into the Abbot Manor, the pinched and constipated looks on Sharon and Jack's faces never ceased all week. And if you thought Gloria's wardrobe was gawdy and ostentatious, YOU SHOULD SEE HER SENSE OF INTERIOR DECORATING SKILLS! Not only did she bring a heinously old-fashioned leather club chair and tacky drapes only seen in a retirement home, but she also placed an ENORMOUS portrait painting of herself directly over the mantle. Unfortunately, Noah was extremely dissatisfied with his reign as the House Diva being shelved away, as he attempted to come up with cheesy ideas to force Gloria out of the house. HEL-LO, NOAH! YOU'RE MESSING WITH THE CRAFTIEST BITCH IN GENOA CITY! PUT YOUR HIGH HEELS BACK IN THE CLOSET AND WAIT YOUR TURN! 

But Jack's constipation turned into a miserable shit storm, for just as Gloria was having a wildly elaborate interview/photo shoot with The Chronicle about her new digs, Detective Maggie and the police strolled in with a search warrant, placing Jack Abbot BACK into the Ji-Min murder case. So while Jack and Sharon pawned Noah off on Nick, they grabbed a luxury suite at the Athletic Club, hoping their troubles would subside...and meanwhile Gloria and Kevin have devised another GENIUS plan to get Jeffery "Big Spender" Bardwell out of the picture, wherein our Botox Beauty will ingest small amounts of rat poison everyday to convince the authorities she is being taken advantage of, a la Ingrid Bergman in Notorious.

But while the Abbot home is in disarray, the Newman household was filled with schmoopy wedding glee, as JT and Victoria finally tied the knot...unfortunately, Victoria left all of the decorating up to Nicki so that the Newman living room was FILLED with STUFFY white and purple bouquets, long white tapered candles, an overstuffed trellis, and a obscenely detailed cake that looked straight out of a 1986 retirement home. Luckily, Victoria is pretty much the only NON-BITCH in the show, and all she cared about was tying the knot and consummating the deal afterwards. But while the newlyweds were making sweet love in Victoria's old room (aka the LEAST romantic place for post wedding coitus), Victor received word that his ex-blind-wife, Hope, is dying of pancreatic cancer...and soon rushed off to be by her side (and presumably search for Victor JR - who can tell you has already been cast for the future).

And after giving the Ji-Min murder case a royal fuck-up, Heather was released from her position as Assistant District Attorney, but apparently NOT discharged from being a totally uptight bitch. In an attempt to drown out her sorrows with some cheap booze and Genoa City's finest young socialites, Daniel threw Heather a birthday party at Kevin's place - awash with Amber's "famous" date rape punch and karaoke (and I salivated to the idea of getting drunk and singing "Papa Don't Preach" with the bunch). All seemed well, until Colleen and Adrian showed up, and Heather felt the need to wax intellectual with Adrian INSTEAD of getting ripped with the party crowd - EVEN COLLEEN WAS ANNOYED. Soon after, all the girls began enjoying a taste of belting out bad karaoke, until it was Heather's turn and she totally denied Amber and the microphone. Just as she was about to leave, Daniel convinced her to stay for Amber's song, and it was deliciously sweet when my favorite drunken blonde (other than myself) sang a fabulously sexy song, mainly to Daniel, and Heather hit the road. THEN, after the party cleared out, Amber and Daniel were joking around with the microphone, and TOTALLY STARTED MAKING OUT - WITH CLOTHES COMING OFF AND EVERYTHING - leaving us only to believe that they are TOTALLY gonna do it! I've been waiting so long!

Oh yeah, and Cane and Lily are "falling for each other" blah blah blah snnnnore zzzzzzz. Let's talk more about Daniel and Amber and their HOT MAKEOUT!!!

The following video is too hilarious to pass up. I'm sorry to those who think Adrian is sexy - because I'm a girl who like rebel boys and motorcycles - not college profs who like banging fat girls.

Greased up on a Pole

January 28th - February 1st, 2008

Ahh yes, thankfully this week we moved from the bitter January month of cold, unrequited love, to the February month of warm, affectionately devoted passion...or at least that was the case in the Newman household.

As Victoria's eye's fluttered open early Monday morning, we all rejoiced that our favorite femme was back to consciousness, with only mild slurring and confusion. The schmoopiness ensued as JT and Nicki eagerly greeted the confused Victoria, and quickly introduced her to the new baby, Reed. Although Vick was a bit let down that she couldn't even remember her own child's birth, it didn't stop her from planning an immediate wedding to JT and attempting to repair Victor and Nicki's bitter divorce. What a trooper! 

Meanwhile, major business reorganization was happening all over town. After suffering a mild stroke, Mrs. Chancellor has decided to step-down from her position as CEO of Jabot - leaving Jill to fill some very large alcoholic shoes...and although Gloria was positively persistent about fulfilling the Vice CEO position, Jill politely declined before admitting that Gloria's use of leopard and zebra print in everyday outfits is just too fabulous and that she is secretly jealous (you know it's true). Soon after, Mrs. C turned over NVP to a starry-eyed Nicki Newman. 

THEN, after being fired like a cad from his own father, Nicholas, Phyllis and Jack came to an affable agreement that they should start some sort of "creative" business deal...or something. It was very vague...but when you're that rich and that educated, you could pretty much crap on a cracker, call it "Crapker" and people will still buy it...BUT HERE I AM CREATING THAT GREAT IDEA AND I GET NOTHING!!

Anyway, Amber's days were looking brighter (despite the fact that Cane gave her an official "I don't love you," speech), as Mrs. Chancellor and Nicki offered her a lofty position with NVP, BUT THE BITCH DECLINED, stating that she is trying to stay away from Cane...WTF, Amber?! Either way, there she is, serving lattes just minutes later down at Crimson Lights and Jack comes up to order and sees her fashion designs spread out over the counter...while she fails to notice, Jack clearly saw something special in our favorite sneaky slut...insinuating that she will also be involved in something..."creative"...or something.

And Jeffery is INSISTING to move into the Abbot Mansion, and as Gloria has also turned greedier than ever - it seems that they will soon be roomies with Jack, Sharon, and Noah. I can't wait till Sharon gets pissed because Jeffery leaves the toilet seat up; Noah gets caught wearing Gloria's favorite leopard bra; and Jack's favorite "World Greatest Step-Dad That is Now Married to My Ex-Step-Son's Wife" Mug goes mysteriously missing - HILARITY IS SURE TO ENSUE! 

And despite Brad's pushing and prodding (things he learned back in the Seals), he was turned down for a promotion by BOTH Neil AND Victor. Booooo-hoooo. But then Nicki made a flippant comment that he come work for her...greased up on a pole is more like it.

That's about it dudes...check out next week's episode: "WHO ATE ALL THE RED CAVIAR?"

OH YEAH! and CONGRATULATIONS are in order to Detective Maggie and Karen for their sweeping victory in the "Hottest Up and Coming Couple" Poll last month. However, the bottom clip is posted for Amanda, who claims there are never enough wet t-shirt contests in Genoa City...ENJOY!