Yes, that's right. I'm going to catch you up on the an ENTIRE MONTH of GC biznaz since even I have been having trouble keeping up...but rest assured, the month is wrapping up to be full of seedy twists that we've been oh so restless for.
I officially name July "CATFIGHT MONTH" since for a town that flourishes on scratched out eyes, the claws seemed almost superfluous. Apparently Genoa City hosts a charity ball every summer (ummm did I somehow forget this?) and what with David being a bit of a douche, Nicki decided to step down as the chairwoman and hand the reins to Victoria - but per Mrs. Chancellor, ONLY if Sabrina were allowed to co-chair. Although Sabrina tried to make nice in the beginning, Victoria just couldn't seem to warm up to her new step mom and the planning went a bit rocky ("I said I wanted PINK CHIFFON CUPCAKES!" "But I think CHARTREUSE IS MUCH MORE SOPHISTICATED!" "I HATE YOUR FACE!").
But despite Sabrina's reserved european modesty, her head seemed to be gaining some size as Restless Style commissioned Adrian to write a "classy and introspective" article about the new Mrs. Newman. All was well until Jack secretly contacted Sab's ex, Philipe (who had THE worst french accent EVER), and Jack rewrote the article without Sharon, Phyllis, or Nick's permission. After the tawdry article about Sabrina seducing an unattractive frenchman with a poorly tied ascot to further her own career hit the streets, she and Victor were shocked and furious. Thinking that his own son allowed the article to print, Victor evicted Nick from the Ranch and proceeded to cut Nick and Victoria from his will.
Trouble also started brewing as Daniel left Europe with his papa on the "Danny Romalotti: Still Alive and We Want You to Care" tour. What with Daniel suddenly not sending any emails, Amber being heavily insecure, and Phyllis suddenly evolving into a tired old bitch - it seemed as if the new couple was headed for obscurity. Things were looking up when Janna, Kevin, and Amber were going to make a surprise visit to D-Rom in Ireland, but Restless Style has also created a new "animated character" based on Amber so the vixen had to miss the trip. Janna also skipped out as her new job as Sabrina's assistant could not allow her any vaca...meaning BOYS NIGHT OUT! While Amber was feeling all down and out, Phyllis secretly blocked Danny's emails and then cropped a pic of a crazy fan to make it look like he was a cheating bastard - so at a Restless Style kick-off party, Amber and her favorite Professor had a few too many shots of tequila and had drunken canoodling allllll over her receptionist desk. Then OF COURSE, Daniel suddenly comes home like TWO days later and is all *AMBER I HEART U!* and Amber is all *YAY!* but *oh crap...* Which of course led to sweet love making followed by Amber's confession followed by Daniel moving out in hissy fit. Amber then pulled out the claws and ripped Phyllis a new one when she realized that the old broad has been meddling into her love life. Regardless, we still have a feeling that albino girl and porn boy will still work it out...
Devon also had a vomit-inducing family reunion ALL month when his aunt Tyra (Eva from America's Next Top Model) and his little cousin Ana from Seattle dropped into town "just to say hi." However, Cane and Neil quickly figured out that the duo were a bit down and out, but after a typical Neil shakedown, Tyra seemed well-intentioned and he invited them to live with him AND gave the bitch a job. Karen, recently reintroduced, had a few awkward faces about the whole deal, but hasn't voiced any nagginess...but if Thor had danced with his adopted stepson's aunt at the Charity Gala like Neil did with Tyra, I can't say that I would have my super-excited face on either. Meanwhile, Y&R has been plugging Ana as a new AMAZING singer with a few too many concert moments - I was in the back row screaming, "BRING BACK PAT BENATAR, BITCHES!" but no one heard :(
Speaking of awkward faces, Chloe induced a few after she drugged Cane and RAPED him in her car. Seriously. And then Amanda was all like "You better put what a double standard that is when you write your blog!" and the rest of us were all like, "Yeahhh Cane is hot...don't blame her..." So the Chloster confronted Cane and Lily, saying it was a drunken hookup, but unfortunately for the crazy bitch, Lily was smoothed over by her man who claimed it was a lie. Things were particularly peachy for the couple all month (despite Chloe's weird raping) as Cane bought a new house and was constantly carrying around a gianormous diamond ring trying to get the balls to propose - but just as he was about to pop the question at the Gala, Chloe interrupted with a big "I'M PREGNANT!" and Lily's eyes looked like Arnold Schwartzenegger's in Total Recall when his space helmet breaks and his head is exploding.
And as everyone was gearing up for the Gala, Paul was busy investigating David Chow's past while Ms. Tap-able Ass, Heather, reopened the investigation into Ji-Min's death. Even though Paul did all his secret calls and work in the open area of the coffee house where everyone and their dog could hear, he managed to discover that David Chow's real name is ACTUALLY Angelo Serafini and he is an ex-mob member for the Gambino family (I know, right?!). After spewing the news to Nicki, she cracked the whip and told David their marriage was unforgivably O-V-E-R. This sent David into a shame spiral where he convinced her to front their love for the Gala, but then went on to purchase some liquid morphine from an old mob buddy while securing her life insurance policy.
Meanwhile, Heather came across a pic of Ji-Min and Walter (the dude always hassling David about money and murder and all) but Paul couldn't put it together until about three minutes BEFORE the gala began, and it was revealed that DAVID KILLED JI-MIN!!!!
So while the Gala is somewhat coming to an end:
Heather is all like dancing with Adam and sees Walter...
David drugs Nicki's ginger ale and Mrs. C sends them home, thinking Nicki is more wasted than Kelly at Jim's wedding...
JT knew Nicki was in danger and convinced her to go home with him while David is bringing up the limo....
Sabrina and Victoria get in a MAJOR MAJOR MAJOR catfight and Sabrina storms out but can't find the limo in the SEA of limos and gets into David's limo and insists he drive her home...
The majorly shady limo driver is all, "I got them in the limo," to his phone and it become clear that he thinks Sabrina is Nicki.
AND just as the two were driving down the road all *YES that miserable Gala is OVER* SUDDENLY they are hit head on and the limo careens off the road.
FINALLY! SOMETHING HAPPENS!! BIG BIG THINGS!!! wait till next week!!!
