The Newmans Rise Up and Cane Throws Out his Motley Crue Albums...

Sept 8th - 12th, 2008

Well, with Victor back in town "righting wrongs" we thought SURELY tides would be turning, claws would be extending, gears would be grinding...but um...not really. So after Victor instated Neil as the new CEO of Newman Enterprises and ruthlessly fired his own new son, Adam, it was time for a warm homecoming with Nicholas and Victoria...but um...not really. For as soon as the sibs were in Victor's study, he coldly asked them to step-off and give him some grieving room. Soon after, he dismissed ALL of the housekeeping staff and poor Estrella was all, 

"Ms. Newman! Ohhhh, aye yi yi! Meeeester Newman fired us!  Now we must open a Muchas Gracias! Ohhhh noooo!"

 

"Don't you worry Adella..err...Esmerelda...err...Maria whatever your name is. I'll make sure someone gets RIGHT OVER THERE so that Mr. Newman doesn't go A MINUTE without being tended to hand and foot!"

"Mom - how will dad SURVIVE? With no house staff? Surely he will perish!"

"This is, indeed, extremely troubling..."

So Nicki stomped her Choos straight to the Ranch where she INSISTED that she see her ex-husband who hates her guts, apparently still thinking she has some pull in his life. When Victor refused to answer the door, she huffed a lawn chair smack through the window and the king of the castle immediately called the police. With all the new "trespassing" afoot, Victor hired an airtight security crew to monitor the premises.

Meanwhile, all of the Newman children reverted to big mopey-pants for most of the week. First starting with Adam, all depressed about daddy's lack of love, but just like a good woman, Heather healed his pain with a sensual massage and then some...

"That's right, baby...relax..."

"Daddy doesn't love me...and I'm thinking about getting a job at KFC. You like Original Recipe or Extra Crispy?"

"I like guys with high powered jobs......"

"OW OW OW OW OW! Little rough there, H!"

"........."

Simultaneously, Victoria was also mopey about her own unemployment status - until Neil offered her BACK to Newman, orders of the Mustache himself. Of course, she felt mildly conflicted since the gesture was only towards her, and appeared to exclude Nicholas, but that didn't last long and she accepted the position with glee. And this seemed to thrill EVERYONE, except those of us watching who pretty much saw this coming in 1988.

Having work troubles himself, Nicholas was fighting his own battles over at Restless Style, as he and Jack were unable to agree about anything.

"So let's seeee...I'm thinking pastrami on rye with dill relish on the side for lunch..."

"No no no no no...dill does NOT agree with me."

"Maybe you'd prefer a side salad and a diet coke, prissy pants?"

"Dammit Jack! These are IMPORTANT BUSINESS decisions!"


"Uhhh...guys? The decorator is here and he wants to know what color you want to paint the bathroom?"

"This is just not going to work."

Things were particularly tense when Sharon seemed to continually take Nick's side (and I'm telling you - this is going somewhere soon). Either way - the boys agreed that RS isn't big enough for TWO trojan magnums, so they made a deal to flip a coin and whoever lost could either buy the other guy out, or sell his share...wherein, Jack won. All seemed hopeless for Nick and Phyllis (aside from the fact that Victor is alive, they live on a multimillion dollar estate, and their running a fashion magazine is akin to scrapbooking or bowling for the rest of us) because they couldn't afford to buy out that sinister bastard. Then old slut-face Sharon, her succubus eyes still fixed on her ex-husband, confided in Victor about alllll the probs with Restless Style and begged him to bail Nick out (thinking he'd hire his son as a mail boy at Newman). But apparently The Big Man had a better idea: Just as they were leaving to give Jack the news, Victor had an important letter delivered to Nicholas stating that they had an infinite amount of $$ to purchase Restless Style, wherein the couple hustled their butts to the office to gloat in their ex-partner's face.

Anyway, all these crazy business deals led Adam and Jack to align in a master plan to get revenge on Victor (hint: it involves toilet paper late at night), while Gloria and Jeffrey were busy purchasing the tumbling Jabot stock to take over the company with Jack's help. And with all the trouble at Jabot, Cane (the newly appointed CEO) asked his mum, Jill, to step down to help avoid any more bad publicity...and she quickly downed her sorrows with a bottle of Jack and some Virginia Slims.

Back in domestic land, Cane and Chloe have been having marital issues since it was revealed that Chloe is actually Kate Valentine, Esther's daughter. Even though Cane made it clear that their "marriage" was ONLY to claim his right to the baby, Chloe got totally pissed when she saw Cane and Lily making moony faces to each other over coffee. Within 10 minutes, Chloe nabbed herself a poor man's Tommy Lee named "Rocko" and proceeded to make out Matador-style on the Chancellor sofa.

"What do you think of my new boyfriend, Cane-a-roo?"

"He looks like a poor man's Tommy Lee..."

"Damn straight I do! Rock n ROLLLLL!!!!!!"

*grody slurpy sounds*

"I will never be able to listen to Shout at the Devil the same again..."

But things are definitely looking up for Daniel and Amber, THANK GOD! Although Colleen seemed to have some firm new hooks in my favorite stud, Daniel, he just couldn't get Ambular out of his mind. The claws came out several times, but after a moving plea of love from Amber, Daniel just couldn't resist his favorite ex-porn star-cum-fashionista barista. The sweetest part? After all the cat fighting, Colleen is going around all like, "Ohhh Emmm Geee! Like Daniel is totes my main squeeezie!" while Amber and Daniel have their make-up makeout. Suck it, Colleen. Go pray or something. You're boring.

Noah's Balls Finally Drop! and other important news!

August 4th - Sept 5th, 2008

I want you all to know that between going on vacation and going back to work, it was a harrowing struggle to catch back up on Y&R; but with patience and sweet deliverance, it has finally occurred. Read on boys and girls...

So when we left off, Sabrina had just bitten the dust, leaving Victor miserably heartbroken and everyone else in relative shock. But without skipping a beat, Victor spewed ire at Nicki and then headed home where he wordlessly set a confused Michael and pathetically eager Adam upon funeral plans. Victoria and Nick made MILD attempts to comfort papa, but rejected their love bitterly and instead packed up all of Sabrina's things and sent them off to charity. THEN, as people were arriving at Sabrina's funeral a couple days later, The Mustache was nowhere to be found and the pastor informed everyone that they had missed the "REAL" service earlier that morning. While everyone else in town was searching for Victor, we got a glimpse of Victor's cellphone buried within Sabrina's newly dug gravesite. WEEEEIRDDD. And then, of course, he did the Newman disappearing act that seems to occur everytime Eric Braeden wants a vacation.

Suddenly, ALLLL the Newmans (minus Adam) are like, "WHERE'S VICTOR? HE'S SO IMPORTANT TO US! YEAH WE WERE ASSHOLES AND TOTALLY TRYING TO COCK BLOCK HIM, BUT NOW WE CARE!!!" Meanwhile, Adam decided that he would head the company during the hiatus, and quickly ordered his "World's Greatest CEO" mug and Krillin paperweight. 

So Paul does the proverbial detective digging and finds a lead in a Mexican village, while at the same time, we get to see Victor throwing back shots of tequila and exercising his gruff Spanish skills with the locals. For days he sits at the cheap Mexican bar, drinking tequila and looking morose, until Walter walks in and we're all like, "OOOhhhh, now we get it!" Walter struts in and badgers the bartender like all asshole Americans do and says he wants to go fishing, wherein Victor pretends to be Mexican (or some-such-nonsense) and charters the boat...simultaneously, Nicki and Paul trek it Mexy-style. BUT OH NOOOOO! A HORRIBLE STORM ROLLS IN!!! and the V-Man goes missing.

Meanwhile, despite his overt "grief" for his missing father and other family turmoils, Nick and Phyllis secretly print an aggressively stupid expose on Jack in their own Restless Style Magazine (anyone else rather pick up a copy of 'Woman's World' at this point? just me?), where in Jack is initially miffed but then grants an interview to some nameless reporter claiming he LIKES the backstabbing article because it sells his trash rag of a magazine. This pisses off Nick and Phyllis, but frankly, aren't we all a bit disappointed with Phyllis? Back in the day, she might have drugged Sharon and taken pictures of her passed out on a stripper pole or taken hidden video footage of Jack doing shady business deals...but the bitch has gone soft :(

Cane and Lily have also officially called it off now that Cane has been determined to be the baby daddy. EVERYONE is all like, "Yo Cane! you gotta be THERE for the KID, dude! you gotta be THERE!" so without much hesitation, Cane snatches that ring back off of Lily's finger and throws it onto Chloe, who begins basking in the light of Chancellordom. So Cane is pissed, Lily is distraught, Chloe is exacting her plan - that is until they go to the Chancellor mansion and it is revealed that Chloe is indeed KATE, Esther the MAID'S estranged daughter. Duh-duh-dummmmmm! Jill screams, "Annulment!" and Cane blows his lid (secretly thinking this may be his ticket to a girl who will finally wear a frenchmaid outfit)...but strangely enough, Mrs. C just shrugs her shoulders. 

Noah also came back from summer camp and BOY did his balls drop all at once! Check it out: 

And although we are all monumentally glad that the candyass Noah from before is no longer, unfortunately the new, more aged Noah screams neither flamboyant queerboy (like the old Noah captured so well), nor hot sarcastic and rebellious 16-year old skater boy either. But there is potential there. I feeeeel it.

Meanwhile, south of the border, Paul receives word that his daughter, Heather, has collapsed and he must return to Genoa City - and the dope leaves Nicki ALONE in a secluded village. Mexican officials then advised Nicki they found a chunk of Victor's boat and that surely he must be D-E-A-D. This caused Mrs. "I used to be Victor's Honey" Newman to hit the bottle like no tomorrow. My favorite line? "Do you knowwww how to sayyyy vodka in Spanishhhh? Elll vodddkaaaa...heh heh hehhhhhh blehhhhgh hehhhh..." (that's a direct quote from the script btw). So then Nicki RUSHES to save his desolate drunken mother and once the storm cleared, Walter's dead body washes ashore and Mexico issues a death certificate for the late-Victor Newman.

Genoa City goes into insurmountable grief. Adam inherits Newman Enterprises and fires Victoria, then Neil. Karen is like, "OH NO YOU DID-N'T!" and quits. Then Adam is all like, "Call me Victor Newman now! Hail to the chief," and hires Brad Carlton as his new CEO, who gets an insta-boner. 

Things ride like this for a few days, and then Nicki is crawling across Long Beach...errr....MEXICAN sand...

"Victorrrr...Victorrrr...."

And we see some familiar feet approach...

"Victor...?"

"You will go to the Dagobah system."

"Dagobah system?"

"There you will learn from Yoda, the Jedi Master who instructed me."

"......?"

So Victor takes her back to this hut where he basically tells her to EFF-OFF and says he's never coming home. EVER. Nicki gives him some sloppy sobbing story about family and then he leaves. And then she waits around and eventually gives up and leaves. Then SERIOUSLY, like TEN minutes later, Victor is BACK in ol' GC and ready to get down to biznazz. Michael and Neil prance around like the Lollypop Kids in OZ as Adam is immediately FIRED and kicked off the Ranch; Neil is then re-hired and promoted to CEO of NE.

So YEAH, lots o' shit going down. What we should all REALLY ponder is what the heck is wrong with Heather? Why have her collapse and go to the hospital and then be released and no other word about it?? I'm guessing the HIV. 

Oh yeah - and a lot happened with Devon's cousin, Ana, who turned out to be his sister who is now on her way to an art school in New Hampshire, but frankly I just can't talk about them ANYMORE. BOR-ING.