There's no place like jail for the holidays...

Dec 15th - 19th, 2008

Well when we last left off, things were certainly sucking for the Baldwins - and this week started off with Gloria's arrest after Jeffery duped our favorite elderly hottie to confess her role in the tainted Jabot face cream; 

Kev: "Mawwwmmm, you did this to yourself..."

Glo: "But I always find a cute way to get out of things! Poo!"

And yet, as much as I love Glo, frankly I couldn't muster up my sympathies for her (even as she looked a might heinous without makeup or leopard gloves) - I mean really, Gloria, REALLY! you got yourself in this murderous makeup mess. This also left a string of people to visit Gloria, either for moral support (i.e. The Baldwins) or for blood (i.e. The Abbots)...and how the hell Gloria will get out of this mess is anyone's guess.

"Whoever said that orange is the new pink was seriously disturbed."

And while Gloria was busy trading cigarettes for soap in the slammer, Michael tracked his deadbeat dad, Lowell, to a proverbial warehouse where he was about to skip town...and the only reason he wasn't sunning himself in Malibu yet was because Lowell had stashed the fat wad of cash Janna gave him into Eden's loveable stuffed teddy bear. However, Eden and Noah found the $$ and INSTEAD of blowing it on whippets and a buffet of Fourth Meal (like any other teenagers would) they quickly hid the money for later (ahhh many Mexican Pizzas await!) - but this created a thorn in Lowell's side when he discovered Mr. Teddy empty. Daddy then tearfully admitted his guilt to Michael, left Eden, and fled town...while his only begotten son quickly went to District Attorney Heather Stevens and reported the crime (how noble, Mikey).

Unfortunately, with Kevin adopting Mrs. Chancellor's rehab money and Janna giving it away to Lowell without permission has also been causing a strain on the newlywed's marriage, as well.

"Heyyyy...so you know my dear old dad I've been fighting so hard for? Yeahhhh...he's a total fraud and ditched me...AGAIN."

"Say what?"

"Yeahhhh...he's totally a murderer AND a bank robber. A little tax fraud, too..."

"Ohhhhhhhhh!"

"FIRST you try to kill me, then my mom pays for your brain tumor removal, and now you've given my money to a bonafide felon??!!"

"You don't understand! I watched a Roseanne marathon last week! I kept thinking that I should wear the pants in our relationship!"

"Yeah?! Well NO ONE wears pants in our house because we are officially TOO POOR!"


*So this would be a BAD time to tell him how much my Harajuku sweater and scarf cost...*

SPEAKING of bad news, life was certainly sucking a fat one for Heather after Adam also did a little confessing of his own. Once Jr Newman spilled the beans about the novel's forgery, he then led a convincing argument that Heather ditch her "prestigious" public position and hop a flight to London with Adam and live happily ever after (and most of us were like, "Totes! Do it!"). Conflicted as ever, Heather insisted Adam go to the airport where she would meet him - but unfortunately, her "moral code" kicked in (whatever THAT is) and she meet her fiance at the airport with a little jewelry of her own: handcuffs.

And apparently Crimson Lights needs to open a franchise in the Genoa City Jailhouse because the popularity of visiting inmates this week never stopped. Nicki visited Victor about some stupid children's memorial trust that no one cares about, and of course they argued. Meanwhile, Ashley was able to kill two birds with one stone (which is so important during the busy holiday season) as she moved from berating Gloria in one visiting room, to making out with Victor in the next.

And down one block at the courthouse, Family Attorney Rafe Torres informed the Tyra and the Winters that Neil and Karen would NOT be able to be foster parents for Anna while the whole custody mess gets figured out because they are not yet married (SINNERS!). Selfless, warm-hearted and amazingly talented Karen immediately suggested they move up the wedding date, but Tyra (quickly burgeoning bitch) snapped back that Karen should MOVE OUT.

"So it's totally obvious that I want Neil to be my baby daddy, right?"

"Excuse me? Have you SEEN my glutes at the gym? I will kickbox your ass back to Seattle in a heartbeat, biotch."

And of course Neil, being a total tool, didn't address the issue at all.

"On second thought, I'm screwed."

And SPEAKING of HOMEWRECKERS, Phyllis and Nick have been trying to patch up their crumbling marriage since Phyllis admitted witnessing he and Sharon's passionate liplock in Paris (furthering my argument that blondes DO have more fun). As they were setting up Summer's birthday party, they were awkwardly interrupted from a kinky moment by Nicky and Noah, but things continued to get more awkward when Sharon showed up with presents. 

"I hope that box is SOFT because I'm about that cram that shit down your throat!"

"This new gay haircut and argyle sweater vest symbolize my inability to step in right now..."

"You realize I'm about to get Hannibal Lecter on your face right now, right?"

And although it's not particularly exciting, Mrs. Chancellor is still working hard at the diner, and cozying up with Murphy in the double-wide - possibly implying a little rags to riches story for Murph is the future. Mrs. C pawned her ring and handed Murphy the whole $10k in gratitude - but surely the ring is going to resurface as "stolen" wherein Katherine will be rediscovered...probably.

To be continued!

The Holidays Suck in Genoa City

Nov 24th - Dec 12th 2008

Don't even start with the guilt trips. We are all going to live in fantasy land and pretend that you've been catching YOURSELF up on dirty dealing and sleazy scandals in Genoa City while I've been trying to manage the hustle and bustle of my own affairs.

Let's bullet point important moments for now:

*Jack and Adam collaborated on a forged diary that accuses Victor of murder

*An international manhunt went out for Victor, but just when it seemed Victor was lost, alone, and dying, Ashley found him and revived him and now they are a couple...or something

*Victor returns to Genoa City and lands in jail

*Mrs. Chancellor reconnects with her old, unrelated twin, Marge and they get in a car accident, where Marge dies but everyone thinks it's Katherine and now Mrs. C has amnesia and no one knows

*Mrs. C's apparent death sends a rapid chain of events where: Esther gets half the mansion, Amber gets some moo-lah, Gloria gets John's stock, Nicki gets precious heirlooms and Jill gets screwed 

*Nick and Sharon coincidentally meet in Paris, where they share a romantic moment and Phyllis witnesses their passionate tongue lock

*Michael has been defending his dad, River, for apparent bogus murder charges 

*Noah and Eden are hot to trot

BUT, we just can't leave out our favorite Genoa City holiday: Thanksgiving!

Things were awkward at pretty much EVERY household, starting with the Abbot manor as Sharon and Jack's marriage has been crumbling to bits as lie after lie has been spewn out of Jack's mouth (plus she totally made out with her ex - hello!). In an attempt to save their love of lies AGAIN, Sharon half-heartedly agreed to a family meal.

"Soooo...that turkey sure was good..."

"Hmmmmm...turkey..."

"Yeahhhh...this blows."

Things were also strange (and just basically creepy) at the Chancellor mansion, as well. We were like, "Dude, this shit is like a VC Andrews novel..." First, Chloe has turned Esther into her life size old-lady doll:

"That's right mom - let me show you how to wear this pearl necklace..."

"Oooohhh!"

And then just as Cane was exchanging an embrace with his mother (that seemed just a LITTLE too personal): 

"Ohhhhh Cane...."

Until he realized his newly returned bro, Billy, was watching.

Jill: "Oh Billy! Give mama a hug!"

Cane: Inhales deeply and releases his death grip.

And then Cane continued to stare down Billy for a solid episode.

*She's MY mum. Not yours. MINE*

Whatever - at least there weren't any grody slurpy sounds. And while Cane was busy marking his territory, things were oh-so-cheery at the Winters' residence! Everyone was making merry; eating and drinking and schmooping around.

"Heyyy!"

"Hahahahah!"

"Here's the DESSERT!!!!"

Everyone was even SO disappointed when Tyra's new boyfriend, Gil (a GC police officer), had to leave for work. I mean, really, look at their faces! Sooooo happyyyyyy!!!!

"Nooo! You're LEAVING?! We love you, new guy!!"

Until Gil returned about an hour later claiming that Devon and Anna's slum-infused crack addict of a mom, Yolanda, reported Anna missing and Gil was here to take her away.

As Devon did a little marking of territory own his own (in the form of his sister), he was also well on his way to either a) his daytime Emmy, or b) a revival of Oz.

"We told you we LOVED you!"

So just as things seemed utterly hopeless...

(Child Custody Lady: "I need to give you a disapproving look right now because I'm a bitch...")

Billy, in order to impress Lily (yes, it's totally gay that their names rhyme), pulled a few strings and we were introduced to a new, handsome family attorney, Rafe Torres...watch out ladies! A latin lover is only a step away!

Hola!

But just when you think your eyes are going to be treated to some spicy eye south of the border candy, you suddenly want to gouge them out with any mildly sharp object nearby.

WHY? you ask? WHY?? WHY MUST I SEE THIS??? I'll tell you why: Because just as Nicki thinks Victor might POSSIBLY want to see her again, he basically calls her a whore and she runs into Paul's aging arms...but really - good for them! It's nice to see seniors get out and get active!

Anyway, so we see a lot of stereotypical pensive Victor shots, and of course, only The Mustache can make a faded-blue jumpsuit look sexxxy (ok, Brad Pitt, too). But just as the diary is confirmed AUTHENTIC, the dude who forged the diary approaches Victor in jail, proposing that he will cough up info in exchange for bags full of money and a high powered lawyer. Of course, he must not know Victor Newman like we do...

"Alright fish, dummy up or I'll chin check you...I know you're in here for a bum beef and I can get you sprung...cough it up cause I wanna go hit the Iron Pile..."

"I don't know what you just said, but I can break your neck with my bare hands, just enough so that your head is detached, but that your nerves are still intact, dangling from your lifeless body, so that you will be able to know when I have every other inmate in here rape the shit out of you."

"Umm...touche...?"

Anyway, so this guy gives it all up like it's a rainbow party and rats out Adam and Jack without a pause. So Victor informs all of the pertinent people, but decides that he doesn't really care what happens to Adam - and that he just wants Jack's nuts on a plate.

MEANWHILE, Jack managed to finagle all of his siblings, plus Gloria and Jeffrey, to combine their Jabot stock and a hostile takeover ensued - wherein first Gloria said she was CEO, no wait - then Billy - no wait - then Ashley. I'm sure the remaining stock holders were thrilled with the development.

So just as Jack is treating Sharon to a lavish celebration to their "new beginning" and the Jabot takeover, Phyllis has Jack's credit card statement delivered to the table (with charges to cheap motels and expensive escorts that were part of the plan as he and Adam created the diary). Things don't go so good...especially when instead of just admitting his vengeful plot against Victor, he INSTEAD tells Sharon that he is a SEX ADDICT...all the while as Michael watches...

"You've been sleeping with HOOKERS???!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? aidljfalk;dfj;kladsjfa;dklfjs!!!"

*Awkward...*


"Baby - listen...I want to feed you a line like I always do..."

"Well this bitch isn't gonna FEED anything of YOURS again! We're finished!"

The best part (according to Amanda), is that NO ONE in town believes Jack and his SEX ADDICTION story. They all know he's behind the sleazy diary and it's just a matter of time until the proverbial feces hits the fan. But goddammit! Wouldn't it have been HILARIOUS IF IT WAS TRUE?? (note to self: write Lynn Marie Latham a letter requesting this storyline later). Regardless, while Phyllis is donning sexy lingerie to keep Nick's womanizing peepers on her assets, Brad is ready to pick up the pieces of Sharon's life....AGAINNNN.

*Please write me a more interesting role...please write me a more interesting role..."

And even though I go back and forth with my love for Chloe, there wasn't a dry eye in the house after she fell off a ladder (ironically painting the nursery) after she and Lilly were engaged in some heated words. This caused Lilly to finally give up her torrid love affair with Cane as she (and we) realized that maybe, JUST MAYBE, Cane is actually digging on Chloe a little bit...

"Hey - I can touch you without barfing a little bit in my mouth now...not to shabby, eh? Now just lower your voice and hold a Virginia Slim for me..."

But ALSO, Billy got confirmation from the nurse that Chloe's unborn baby was actually conceived with she and Billy were having drunken hook-ups in New York...which suddenly explained why Cane couldn't be excluded as the baby daddy - A-HA!!! We got some baby mama drama lined up, hells yeah...

Down at the courthouse, life continues to screw people, as Gloria gives a tearful testimony in River's favor, where in the heart strings of everyone in the courtroom are pulled - and River is released and the falsified charges are dropped. And remember that heartfelt family moment the Winters had??

"YAYYYYYYYYY!!!!"

"I love you son!"

"Hurrahhh!"

 Well things weren't so wonderful after Michael realized that River actually robbed the bank way back in the day and was blowing town...

"Ohhhhh shittttt...."

 

...and then Gloria got arrested after Jeffrey got jealous and turned her in for the tainted face cream...

"Ohhhh shitttt...."

Good lord that was a lot of info. I'm not taking time off again. It's too much work.