So we start off recuperating from near tragedy after Noah pretended that he was in Little Women and fell through some ice, and now Jack is trying to coax Noah out of his heinous Jonas Brothers fantasy:
Jack: "It's ok - I'm heeere for you NOAH. Come back to me, baby..."
Noah: "Ugghhh...sing with me Hannah! ♫ Turn this park into a club ♫..."
Jack: "Come on Noah - we can DO this! Come back to Genoa City!"
And meanwhile, Nick is all "Sharon must know our son is in the hospital! I must drive through the snowstorm to tell the mother of my child!" And no matter how much Phyllis tries to derail this terrible idea, he still rushes off. So then like TWO minutes later, Phyllis decides to follow him.
Phyllis: "Hey Mr. Cute Police Officer - I need to get up this snowy road to my ripped hubby who looks way too tan for February."
Mr. Cute Police Officer: "I'm sorry, ma'am. Road's closed." (and we're all like, "Who is this HOT police officer and why is he not hanging out at Crimson Lights more often?!")
Phyllis: "Oh god oh god oh god oh god..."
Phyllis: "Oh god oh god oh god oh god..."
Meanwhile at the completely romantic, secluded cabin (aka Calvin Klein's underwear ranch):
"Oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god..."
And so Colleen is like FREAKING out about her ex-Navy Seal dad being out alone in a snow, so JT uses his mail-order "Detective Kit" to locate Brad's broken down car in the middle of nowhere, but all they find are some snowy footprints.
"I want my daddy!" *pouty face*
And JT's all like, "Yeah where's your fruity patooty art professor now, bitch?"
Back in Trailer Land, things seemed happy for Kay and Murphy as they played a game of Go Fish or whatever - until Murph was all, "Got any Jacks?" and Kay goes:
"What did you just say to me?"
"WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY TO ME????????!!!!!!!!!!"
And while the rest of us were going, "Dude - Mrs. C looks a might peaked when she's pissed," Murph just blew the whole thing off because he likes his women feisty.
So while Shick are back at the cabin licking hot cocoa off their tan, sinewy bodies,
Noah suddenly remembers who saved him: BRAD! (which we already knew, but was a shock to everyone else).
"You mean, I'm NOT a Jonas Brother...?"
And the rest of the world goes searching for Mr. Carlton, thinking he's some amazing ex-Navy Seal Nazi eluding He-Man:
Victoria: "Hey everyone! My ex-husband who totally cheated on me with my bro's wife (who is currently cheating with my bro) is a SAVIOR! Rejoice!"
"lol I know, right? Like, ummm...wait...what? lol "
but then everyone finds out that Brad got in a fight with some ice; and the ice won:
So Genoa City is all RIP Brad Carlton for like A DAY - which seems strange since he's been on the show...oohhhh...TWENTY SOMETHING YEARS and when Sabrina died the writers milked it for like 2 months. But then again, Brad was a douche - so yeahhhh...RIP Douche.
Anywho, Nick basically admits to Phyllis that he a) slept with Sharon, and b) thinks Noah's accident is basically her fault because she gave him permission to go hang out like any other teenager...but instead of going ballistic, Phyllis just permissively nods her head...wha????!! Then she runs into Sharon at Brad's grave, and instead of velociraptor claws coming out like we wanted, it was like they were going to start brushing each others' hair or something:
"Hey Shar - like what is UP?"
So after the whole Brad-Death thing, everyone was all happy going, "Yay! It's Valentine's Day!"
And Empty Nest guy proposes to Esther:
Esther: "Ohhhhh Roger - after Mrs. C died, I thought I'd NEVER find another person to wait hand and foot on...but now you've come into my life."
Jill: "Hey Rog - you can take the girl out of the maid costume, but you can't take the maid out of the girl."
Empty Nest Guy: "Listen bitch. Don't you go ruining this for me. I've been washing my own socks for 28 YEARS! It's time I got MINE!"
But then a judge rules that a DNA test can be ordered to prove whether Mrs. C really is Mrs. C and Esther puts off their elopement, realizing that the socks she wants to wash are still really Katherine's. Unfortunately, this leads to Roger and Clint making serious faces on the phone:
"It's time to go to Plan B."
"Dude, Clint - Esther is wayyyy to old to have a baby...no need for a trip to Planned Parenthood - it's all good..."
But just as the DNA results are in, so is Clint in Murphy's trailer, and he kidnaps Katherine and Murphy finds this note:
And we finally got back to our rhombus o' love between Cane and Chloe and Billy and Lily. So just as it seemed that Chloe and Cane MIGHT just raise this here baby all proper like, they attempt to share a mutual kiss while saxophone music plays
but then Chloe was all like, "DUUUUDE - did you eat an ENTIRE onion today? wtf?"
And because it's V-Day and no one is mourning Brad anymore, Billy whisks Lily off to the Abbot cabin (which is still recovering from all the Shick love making), but Lily starts showing her relationship face (which ain't so cute if you're a rebel Abbot):
"You're not going to watch football or drink beer anymore, silly! You're with ME! Now we can go shopping for clothes and oh! that new Jennifer Aniston movie is out!"
So like a good man should Billy admits that he is Chloe's baby daddy so that he isn't locked into this panty-wearing relationship, but then baby mama walks in! So Lily goes into PSYCHO mode and says all the things we wanted to say, like five months ago:
"ALL I WANTED WAS A GUY TO GO SEE A ROM-COM WITH! YOU KEEP TAKING THEM AWAY! FUUUUUUUCK!"
Oh yeah - and Noah goes, "Eden babe, you don't wanna get mixed up with a guy like me. I'm a loner, Eden. A rebel...no j/k, I totally heart u!" But he still looked all cute and brooding when he said it.