So maybe the reason I haven't blogged the local gossip for the month is because I don't feel like any major shifting has been occurring...but since some serious shit went down in the last week - here's one recap and I'll give you another taste tomorrow!
Remember Heather having to arrest her ass of a fiance, Adam? Well, after some pathetic pleading (with some incredibly emasculating tears) from EVERYONE he knows, Victor put his proverbial Italian leathered foot down and told his pansy ass of a son to suck it up...and then proceeded to hand him "Dummies Guide to Prison Slang" as Adam accepted a deal with Heather. This left us wondering, does ANYONE in Genoa City think there is a conflict of interest here?! ANYONE?! Adam has thus been whisked away from the show...surely to return one day and instruct everyone how to properly make a shiv out of a plastic cup.
And just when it seemed that Neil might be swayed by that succubus Tyra, Karen showed her claws in a spiteful way - not only parading around in schmoopiness with Neil after their wedding day - but also proposing the adoption of Anna into their new happy family. Karen even asked little innocent Anna to call her "Mama Karen." Diss! Further driving the spike into Tyra's brazen body (I mean really - who shows 6 inches of cleavage in court when you're trying to get your baby back?), the court decided that baby mama can only see her baby during supervised visits. Try as you might, Tyra, your Emmy moment was just too desperate:
"Ohhhhh lordddd! I won America's Next Top Model! Why am I playing a supporting actress on a daytime soap? WHYYYYY?????"
Then when Karen directly confronted Tyra about the possible switcheroo of motherhood, Tyra over-emotionally plant a sloppy one on newly married Neil (who of course didn't do a whole lot to disengage the slobber machine) in some sort of victimized vixen role (maybe she was watching some of Sharon's home movies).
Anyway, so Mrs. C slipped on some ice, bumped her noggin, and suddenly remembered her real name - but unfortunately, the rich and powerful people of Genoa City refuse to believe The Duchess and instead, Jill called the cops and sent her own, elderly mother to the slammer for trespassing. Luckily, Gloria is also doing her time in the GC Jailhouse and Kevin realized Mrs. C's real identity as he was dropping off a glazed Krueller with a file back inside. Kevin and Janna then broke into Nick and Phyllis's tack house, stole their stolen money back from Eden, and proceeded to have sex in the closet. It was a might twisted, even for me. BUT proving that Kevin is our favorite anti-hero, he anonymously gave the cash to Murphy to bail out the old broad and convinced Amber to join the "Free Mrs. C" party. Then, everyone broke out into song, donned cute little striped hats, and began passing out buttons.
Meanwhile, as the love polygon of Chloe-Cane-Lily-Billy ensues, super cute Chloe was forced to set up her mom on a date with a stranger, Roger (the guy from Empty Nest??) in order to throw her ex-love off the scent of her jealousy. However, after Esther and the new guy hit it off and made sweeeeeet looooove all night, we realized that the new man isn't so fabulous after all - and is actually in cahoots with CLINT (who tricked Esther back in the 80s and helped faciliate a Katherine/Maude switch)...needless to say - he's BAD news; with very BAD hair; and very BAD plastic surgery.
However, as Chloe grows bigger by the day, so does Billy's secret love for his baby mama. Plentiful were the scenes of Chloe and Billy trading verbal jabs and as soon as el preggo walked away, Billy would stare pensively into the distance...
And speaking of pensive, lustful staring, Brad was unable to bridle his feelings for Sharon and headed up to the Abbot cabin where she had just finished a lengthy letter to her dear love, Nicholas. The letter detailed her yearnings and burnings, but then she crumpled it up and stuck it in the wood pile - with the "Dear Nicholas..." face up (ehhhhh duhhhhh). When Brad arrived and told his love what he had for her and where she could put it, surely we all expected some sort of passionate lovemaking by the fire in the cozy cabin, but instead, she denied his proposals and sent him on his merry way.
"Listen, Brad...it's been fun - "
"Your character has just gotten, well, really BORING...hot sex just doesn't happen with two boring people..."
"Let's pray. Dear lord, please provide Brad with a mildly more interesting storyline...after all, he IS an ex-Navy Seal closeted Jew who was hunted by Nazis his whole life..."
ANYWAY, Eden remains a bad, bad girl which is why Noah remains drawn to her like a moth to a flame. Thus OF COURSE on the eve of a giant blizzard rolling into town, they decide to head off into the "woods" and go iceskating on a lake. The fairy tale seemed cute, as Romeo and Juliet sipped some scotch and donned their skates...that is until Noah was drunkenly impersonating one of the Jonas Brothers fell into the lake, Little Women style! Oh no! But somehow Sharon's prayer was actually answered - if only for a split second:
"La-dee-dah - just some average-o car trouble on a snowy night in the middle of nowhere...nothing an ex-Navy Seal can't handle..."
"What's that? Did I hear someone calling for help?"
Why yes they did - and it was Noah! (offscreen of course)
"Don't you worry kid! Go SEALS! BRAHHHH!" *Craws slowly across the ice*
So then Nick gets a call that Noah and Eden are at Genoa City Hospital, but no one seems to know that Brad utilized his SEAL skillz and is missing...
"Soooo looks like your son will be fine...although he seems to think he is one of the Jonas Brothers..."
"Oh God - how could I have missed the signs?"
Big shit happened right after this - so I will recap you again TOMORROW in honor of my government holiday.