Sorry guys - I think I got hit with Bubonic Plague for a couple weeks.
Enter Billy, still reeling from a night of hot horny hanky panky with Sharon...
"Seriously? I make you CEO of Jabot and you can't even come to work sober? Let alone the fact that I'm trying to ignore the smell of vomit and Chanel No. 5 intertwined from your hair..."
Enter Cane, pissed as hell.
"Cane, baby...mama needs her pack of Virginia Slims and a bottle of Makers right now..."
Meanwhile, back at a cheap hotel, Mrs. C was playing the caring, kidnapped victim in an attempt to win over her crazed captor, Annie the Nurse. After just a few questions, Annie admitted that she was Roger's first wife - and now helps him swinde women for their dollars.
"Really? You voluntarily married Empty Nest guy? REALLY?"
"Frankly he has a TERRIFIC personality!"
"In fact, he bought me this fantastic wig that looks like a skinned fraggle...ahhh those were the days..."
"LORD ALMIGHTY when will this terrible story-line end?"
Cut to the weekly Scooby Doo Gang's meeting at Crimson Lights:
Kevin: "YES, Janna, our hip screenprinted shirts and gianormous posters will OBVIOUSLY help us locate Mrs. C!"
Amber: "Yeah, Janna - don't be a hater."
And before Billy could even shower, he realized that his only shot at getting custody of his new kin would be to suck it up and propose to Chloe, who was thrilled:
Simultaneously, Cane made haste to propose to Lily AGAIN (and this time he promised NOT to get wasted at her dad's bar and wake up with her assistant's panties around his head):
But just as Cane and Lily were making sweet reunited love, Billy "clarified" for his new lady that he's just not that into her:
"Yeahhh...I was thinking more that I could be a total deadbeat dad and that you would take me because your self-esteem is SO low right now..."
*sniffles* "What about that whole Cougars pep talk you gave meeeee?"
"Well, I mean, we can still totally have sex if you want... "
So Chloe (like an independent woman should) called off the nuptials right quick...that is until Jack independently persuaded Billy to pledge his faith AND told Chloe that she and the baby could move into the poolhouse (recently visited by the Orkin Man to clear out the Glor-Jeff lovemaking germs), and she took the bastard back...but not before Amber had this weird, sad baby moment that left us thinking that she is SO gonna get preggers soon:
But then Billy was all MIA right off the bat because he had to bang Sharon one last time.
"Dude, Jacko - you got me to pack my baby over here but you ain't produced no daddy..."
but Mrs. C goes, "Whoops!"
Speaking of boys in trouble, Adam is also officially going BLIND. Who didn't SEE that one coming?! (sorry, bad joke). Anyway, so Heather is all, "I want to help you!" and Adam is all, "Bitch you locked me up!" So Heather tells The Mustache who, of course, will fix it somehow.
*Now if only I could block out the memories of my cellie masturbating*
BACK at the Scooby Doo Mystery, Kevin tracked Clint to the craptacular motel room where Esther and Mrs. C had their lesbian moment that Amanda has been waiting for:
Esther: "Ohhhhh Mrs. C...I've always dreamed of lying on a cheap motel bed with you tied up in rope -"
*uncontrollable dry heaving*
Speaking of intimate moments, Sharon had about THREE HUNDRED AND FORTY TWO in the last couple weeks as her slut-dom challenges the theory of infinity. Let's count, shall we?
Billy = 1 (seen above)
Nick = 2
Jack = 3
I sure hope she leaves that robe for the maid to drop off at the cleaners. In addition, she has also become a amnesiac-klepto as she has been stealing then forgetting her thefts...causing us all to go, "Riiiiight..."
But what could top an amnesiac-klepto-slut you ask? I'll tell you: Clint drugging Kevin and then taking completely posed polaroids of him planting a bomb to blow up Mrs. C and Esther and then putting it on Flickr. Seriously, check this shit out. Maybe Clint has seen a few too many episodes of Magnum PI or something:
And, yet, for as cheesy and ridiculous as everything else is, I officially nominate Greg Rikaart for a Daytime Emmy for his claustrophic moments in the trunk of the car juxtaposed with his memories of childhood closet beatings. Props to the writers on that one.
*wiping tears from my eyes*
Anyway, back to the cheese-o-riffic: So Amber realizes that Kevin found the motel room and rushes to Mrs. C's aid (Gloria following in tow), and as the bomb ticks down, it seems as if everyone will clear the room before the explosion:
but Mrs. C goes, "Whoops!"
And the bomb goes, "BOOM!"
UGH and here comes another giant groan. So Karen tells Neil that if he wants to stay married (which they enjoyed for what? A MONTH?!) that he would need to fire that slutbag Tyra. Neil agrees, and goes to Indigo to drop the axe...but then realizes that the axe is apparently in his pants:
Luckily Mrs. C's body is found in one piece (which is important at her age) and she is taken to the hospital where (prepare for irony) she suddenly remembers her life as Katherine Chancellor, BUT NOT THE LAST FOUR MONTHS! Oh no! So she spends a bunch of time trying to convince people who she really is, and FINALLY Nicki realizes the truth:
Unfortunately, Kevin is missing as Clint has brainwashed him by beating and locking poor Kev in a closet by night, and forced to rob banks wearing a mascot costume by day (which I can assure you from personal experience is quite sweaty):
TV: "Earlier today a well-dressed chipmunk robbed a pawn shop. The unidentified chipmunk took $98 cash and several Huey Lewis records..."
And help me out here: is that or is that not Phyllis's nipple?