When we left off last week, the news that Billy, NOT Cane, was Chloe's baby daddy was suddenly revealed to unsuspecting Lily. So of course, Lily was all, "I hate your face!" to both her bf and her ex-stylists-cum-man-stealer. But just as poor little Lily was in the very midst of her Emmy monologue, Chloe was all, "Ummm...dudes?" And we saw this:
And while Billy had a flashback of his fraternity days...
Chloe was all, "I JUST bought these boots...and I seriously doubt Fenmore's is gonna return these babies with an amniotic sheen all over them."
But OF COURSE the roads were closed due to ANOTHER sweeping blizzard so Lily runs out to call Olivia for some serious WebMD advice on how to deliver a baby without being able to plop a Burberry beanie on it's head immediately.
Meanwhile, at Crimson Lights, Jill popped in for her daily cat fight where she broke the news that the DNA test was negatory and the Katherine wanna-be (that actually IS Katherine) is a phony.
"Scooby-Doo my ass! Quit meddling in my affairs you pesky kids!"
But of course we all knew that Katherine IS Katherine, especially when she revealed her Chancellor Chopper move that Jill is so found of, and took a bite out of Clint's kidnapping hand.
Luckily, the most stereotypical psycho nurse broad showed up to watch Mrs. C to keep her powerful dentures at bay.
Back at the Cabin o' Amniotic Fluid, the gang concluded that Billy would have to deliver the baby while Lily radioed instructions from a walkie talkie outside. According to Amanda, giving birth is actually 500x longer and more painful that what Chloe experienced, but hey - who wants to watch THAT? However, the baby was all loopy-de-loo and the labor was still not ready for a Precious Moments photo session as Chloe began crapping out (no pun intended).
Luckily Billy was the head quarterback at Genoa City Prep School and mustered up one of his "4th down 30 seconds left" pep talks:
"It’s going to hurt! There is going to be pain, sweat, and adversity! You are going to doubt yourself before you get there! You will wonder if you can do it, and you will try to talk yourself out of giving it all! You are going to see easy ways out! All along the way you will be presented with ways to give less of yourself!"
But of course nobody had the balls to TELL Cane the baby isn't his, and he has this total schmoopy moment...
...until Chloe starts bleeding like a stuck pig and they decide to have a sled race to the hospital. YAY!
Wherein Chloe looks a little too Sabrina-fied for a couple days and everyone has their sad funeral faces on. Oh wait - everyone but Billy and Sharon who have their DRUNK faces on, AND TOTALLY HOOK UP. Yes. It happened. Best unscheduled hook-up since Jill and Warden.
*Grody slurpy sounds*
"Yeah! banging my bro's ho!"
Of course, not ALL of the hook-ups this week could be as sweet, but they were DEFINITELY as sloppy. WHY can't Tyra just couldn't keep her salivating tongue in check?!
Either way, Neil totally returned the slobbering and, of course, Karen caught a glimpse of the canoodling. I don't know about you, but I remember Karen's kickboxing outfit with the bandana - DON'T MESS WITH THAT SHIT. So she put on her bitch face and began pushing Rafe for her and Neil to adopt Anna ASAP. However, this mildly backfired when Tyra realized that pretty soon she won't have a) a man to slobber on, or b) a child to keep dragging along in poverty; so she grabbed Anna and flew the coop. See ya, skank!
And in an attempt to quickly wrap up Brad Carlton's legacy, his will also gets read to Abby and Colleen.
Colleen: I will avenge my father's death and take on Victor Newman.
Abby: Umm...Like what does "dee-seesed" mean? Is that a creamy salad dressing?
And even though Victor had lined up his honey, Ashley, to take over his recently deceased foe's board seat, Colleen made an unexpected announcement at the Newman Board of Directors meeting:
"Hey bitches...no one has ever really liked me, so in light of that, I've decided to assume the role of The Bitch and I'm taking over my dad's seat."
Ashley: That bitch!
Abby: Ummm...what? Like, I thought we were going to talk about wood...this is a board meeting, right?"
Victor: Heyyy now...I never noticed how FEISTY this sexy young thing is...
Victoria: Did I leave the oven on? Dammit - I'd swear I turned it off...
Ok everyone. Seriously. LOOK at Abby's face. DOES SHE ADD ANYTHING TO THIS SHOW? IS SHE EVEN ALIVE??
And then Chloe feels better and immediately tells Cane the truth (after he's spent a couple days bonding and Billy's spent a couple days boozing)...but dramatic music plays and then when no one is around, Cane signs the birth certificate. Hoo-rah!