It's allll about fluids this week!

February 16th - 20th, 2009

When we left off last week, the news that Billy, NOT Cane, was Chloe's baby daddy was suddenly revealed to unsuspecting Lily. So of course, Lily was all, "I hate your face!" to both her bf and her ex-stylists-cum-man-stealer. But just as poor little Lily was in the very midst of her Emmy monologue, Chloe was all, "Ummm...dudes?" And we saw this:

And while Billy had a flashback of his fraternity days...

Chloe was all, "I JUST bought these boots...and I seriously doubt Fenmore's is gonna return these babies with an amniotic sheen all over them."

But OF COURSE the roads were closed due to ANOTHER sweeping blizzard so Lily runs out to call Olivia for some serious WebMD advice on how to deliver a baby without being able to plop a Burberry beanie on it's head immediately.

Meanwhile, at Crimson Lights, Jill popped in for her daily cat fight where she broke the news that the DNA test was negatory and the Katherine wanna-be (that actually IS Katherine) is a phony. 

"Scooby-Doo my ass! Quit meddling in my affairs you pesky kids!"

"Hey hey! If you're face didn't look like a leather mask, maybe we wouldn't HAVE to meddle, eh?"

"You see these dentures?! I will rip your face off and make myself a NEW mask!"

"Dude. Uncool."

But of course we all knew that Katherine IS Katherine, especially when she revealed her Chancellor Chopper move that Jill is so found of, and took a bite out of Clint's kidnapping hand.

Luckily, the most stereotypical psycho nurse broad showed up to watch Mrs. C to keep her powerful dentures at bay.

Back at the Cabin o' Amniotic Fluid, the gang concluded that Billy would have to deliver the baby while Lily radioed instructions from a walkie talkie outside. According to Amanda, giving birth is actually 500x longer and more painful that what Chloe experienced, but hey - who wants to watch THAT? However, the baby was all loopy-de-loo and the labor was still not ready for a Precious Moments photo session as Chloe began crapping out (no pun intended).

"I'm tirrrrreeeeddd..."

Luckily Billy was the head quarterback at Genoa City Prep School and mustered up one of his "4th down 30 seconds left" pep talks:

"It’s going to hurt! There is going to be pain, sweat, and adversity! You are going to doubt yourself before you get there! You will wonder if you can do it, and you will try to talk yourself out of giving it all! You are going to see easy ways out! All along the way you will be presented with ways to give less of yourself!"

And Chloe was all, "What the fuck are you talking about??!!"

"100% equals everything! We want it all! Do not save anything for later, do not relax, do not take a break to catch your breath, give us everything you've got from start until finish! COUGARSSSSS!!!"

"COUGARSSSSSS!!!!"

And as Billy delivered his own baby, we were all like "...and they lived happily ever after..."

Simultaneously, Cane was listening to Tear For Fears on the radio and suddenly realized he was oh-so head over heels for Lily and rushed to the cabin ON FOOT to thwart his evil brother from deflowering her (and all the girls swooned). But just as he professed his undying love to Lily in the snow, he heard Chloe's heinous labor screeches through the walkie talkie.

"Hey Mate - you guys aren't playing Rosemary's Baby in there, are you?"

But of course nobody had the balls to TELL Cane the baby isn't his, and he has this total schmoopy moment...

...until Chloe starts bleeding like a stuck pig and they decide to have a sled race to the hospital. YAY!

Wherein Chloe looks a little too Sabrina-fied for a couple days and everyone has their sad funeral faces on. Oh wait - everyone but Billy and Sharon who have their DRUNK faces on, AND TOTALLY HOOK UP. Yes. It happened. Best unscheduled hook-up since Jill and Warden.

*Grody slurpy sounds*

"I'mmmm noootttt wearingggg any *hiccup* unnnderwearrrr..."

"Yeah! banging my bro's ho!"

Of course, not ALL of the hook-ups this week could be as sweet, but they were DEFINITELY as sloppy. WHY can't Tyra just couldn't keep her salivating tongue in check?! 

Either way, Neil totally returned the slobbering and, of course, Karen caught a glimpse of the canoodling. I don't know about you, but I remember Karen's kickboxing outfit with the bandana - DON'T MESS WITH THAT SHIT. So she put on her bitch face and began pushing Rafe for her and Neil to adopt Anna ASAP. However, this mildly backfired when Tyra realized that pretty soon she won't have a) a man to slobber on, or b) a child to keep dragging along in poverty; so she grabbed Anna and flew the coop. See ya, skank!

And in an attempt to quickly wrap up Brad Carlton's legacy, his will also gets read to Abby and Colleen.

Colleen: I will avenge my father's death and take on Victor Newman.

Abby: Umm...Like what does "dee-seesed" mean? Is that a creamy salad dressing?

And even though Victor had lined up his honey, Ashley, to take over his recently deceased foe's board seat, Colleen made an unexpected announcement at the Newman Board of Directors meeting:

"Hey bitches...no one has ever really liked me, so in light of that, I've decided to assume the role of The Bitch and I'm taking over my dad's seat."

Ashley: That bitch! 

Abby: Ummm...what? Like, I thought we were going to talk about wood...this is a board meeting, right?"

Victor: Heyyy now...I never noticed how FEISTY this sexy young thing is...

Neil: Me neither...and it's sexy young THANG, Victor, THANG... 

Victoria: Did I leave the oven on? Dammit - I'd swear I turned it off...

Nick: I wonder if Sharon is wearing underwear today...

Ok everyone. Seriously. LOOK at Abby's face. DOES SHE ADD ANYTHING TO THIS SHOW? IS SHE EVEN ALIVE??

And then Chloe feels better and immediately tells Cane the truth (after he's spent a couple days bonding and Billy's spent a couple days boozing)...but dramatic music plays and then when no one is around, Cane signs the birth certificate. Hoo-rah!

Brad 0; Ice 1

Feb 2nd - Feb 13th

So we start off recuperating from near tragedy after Noah pretended that he was in Little Women and fell through some ice, and now Jack is trying to coax Noah out of his heinous Jonas Brothers fantasy:

Jack: "It's ok - I'm heeere for you NOAH. Come back to me, baby..."

Noah: "Ugghhh...sing with me Hannah! ♫ Turn this park into a club ♫..."

Jack: "Come on Noah - we can DO this! Come back to Genoa City!"

Noah: "Nooo! I'm a Jonas Brother! Ugghhh..."

And Jack was all *sad disturbed face*

And meanwhile, Nick is all "Sharon must know our son is in the hospital! I must drive through the snowstorm to tell the mother of my child!" And no matter how much Phyllis tries to derail this terrible idea, he still rushes off. So then like TWO minutes later, Phyllis decides to follow him.

Phyllis: "Hey Mr. Cute Police Officer - I need to get up this snowy road to my ripped hubby who looks way too tan for February."

Mr. Cute Police Officer: "I'm sorry, ma'am. Road's closed." (and we're all like, "Who is this HOT police officer and why is he not hanging out at Crimson Lights more often?!")

Phyllis: "Oh god oh god oh god oh god..."

Meanwhile at the completely romantic, secluded cabin (aka Calvin Klein's underwear ranch):

"Oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god..."

And so Colleen is like FREAKING out about her ex-Navy Seal dad being out alone in a snow, so JT uses his mail-order "Detective Kit" to locate Brad's broken down car in the middle of nowhere, but all they find are some snowy footprints.

"I want my daddy!" *pouty face*

And JT's all like, "Yeah where's your fruity patooty art professor now, bitch?"

Back in Trailer Land, things seemed happy for Kay and Murphy as they played a game of Go Fish or whatever - until Murph was all, "Got any Jacks?" and Kay goes:

"What did you just say to me?"

"WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY TO ME????????!!!!!!!!!!"

And while the rest of us were going, "Dude - Mrs. C looks a might peaked when she's pissed," Murph just blew the whole thing off because he likes his women feisty. 

So while Shick are back at the cabin licking hot cocoa off their tan, sinewy bodies,

Noah suddenly remembers who saved him: BRAD! (which we already knew, but was a shock to everyone else).

"You mean, I'm NOT a Jonas Brother...?"

And the rest of the world goes searching for Mr. Carlton, thinking he's some amazing ex-Navy Seal Nazi eluding He-Man:

Victoria: "Hey everyone! My ex-husband who totally cheated on me with my bro's wife (who is currently cheating with my bro) is a SAVIOR! Rejoice!"

"lol I know, right? Like, ummm...wait...what? lol " 

but then everyone finds out that Brad got in a fight with some ice; and the ice won:

So Genoa City is all RIP Brad Carlton for like A DAY - which seems strange since he's been on the show...oohhhh...TWENTY SOMETHING YEARS and when Sabrina died the writers milked it for like 2 months. But then again, Brad was a douche - so yeahhhh...RIP Douche. 

Anywho, Nick basically admits to Phyllis that he a) slept with Sharon, and b) thinks Noah's accident is basically her fault because she gave him permission to go hang out like any other teenager...but instead of going ballistic, Phyllis just permissively nods her head...wha????!! Then she runs into Sharon at Brad's grave, and instead of velociraptor claws coming out like we wanted, it was like they were going to start brushing each others' hair or something:

"Hey Shar - like what is UP?"

"Ummm...just crying a bit over Brad's grave. You know, the USUAL."

"Lol totes. Me too."

So after the whole Brad-Death thing, everyone was all happy going, "Yay! It's Valentine's Day!"

♥♥♥♥

And Empty Nest guy proposes to Esther:

Esther: "Ohhhhh Roger - after Mrs. C died, I thought I'd NEVER find another person to wait hand and foot on...but now you've come into my life."

Jill: "Hey Rog - you can take the girl out of the maid costume, but you can't take the maid out of the girl."

Empty Nest Guy: "Listen bitch. Don't you go ruining this for me. I've been washing my own socks for 28 YEARS! It's time I got MINE!"

:) Deeerrrrrrrr

But then a judge rules that a DNA test can be ordered to prove whether Mrs. C really is Mrs. C and Esther puts off their elopement, realizing that the socks she wants to wash are still really Katherine's. Unfortunately, this leads to Roger and Clint making serious faces on the phone:

"It's time to go to Plan B."

 "Dude, Clint - Esther is wayyyy to old to have a baby...no need for a trip to Planned Parenthood - it's all good..."

But just as the DNA results are in, so is Clint in Murphy's trailer, and he kidnaps Katherine and Murphy finds this note:

And we finally got back to our rhombus o' love between Cane and Chloe and Billy and Lily. So just as it seemed that Chloe and Cane MIGHT just raise this here baby all proper like, they attempt to share a mutual kiss while saxophone music plays

but then Chloe was all like, "DUUUUDE - did you eat an ENTIRE onion today? wtf?"

And because it's V-Day and no one is mourning Brad anymore, Billy whisks Lily off to the Abbot cabin (which is still recovering from all the Shick love making), but Lily starts showing her relationship face (which ain't so cute if you're a rebel Abbot):

"You're not going to watch football or drink beer anymore, silly! You're with ME! Now we can go shopping for clothes and oh! that new Jennifer Aniston movie is out!"

>:(

So like a good man should Billy admits that he is Chloe's baby daddy so that he isn't locked into this panty-wearing relationship, but then baby mama walks in! So Lily goes into PSYCHO mode and says all the things we wanted to say, like five months ago:

"ALL I WANTED WAS A GUY TO GO SEE A ROM-COM WITH! YOU KEEP TAKING THEM AWAY! FUUUUUUUCK!"

*disappointment faces*

Oh yeah - and Noah goes, "Eden babe, you don't wanna get mixed up with a guy like me. I'm a loner, Eden. A rebel...no j/k, I totally heart u!" But he still looked all cute and brooding when he said it.

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