Phyllis "BLOWS" Sharon Out of the Water

March 16th - 18th, 2009 (Anyone else tired of basketball pre-empting my fav show??)

Last week we left off with Nicki embracing Katherine AS Katherine - and we knew surely this meant that Mrs. C would be strutting back into the Board Room of Chancellor Industries rather than the dining room of Murph's trailer. And GEEEZ you would have thought they were old lovers what with all the hugging and kissing and exchanging of emerald rings...

"You really ARE my bestie, Katherine. How could I have been such an - "

"Asshole?"

"Ohhhh yooooouuu...I deserve that!"

And SPEAKING of hugging and kissing and exchanging...errr...things...Sharon shifted her slutdom into turbo this week - SO MUCH SO that she got her hook-up texts all mixed up and accidentally sent Nick a booty call meant for Billy.

But Nick was in the john or something, and instead Phyllis got a peek:

So of course she deleted that shit, threw a butcher knife in her oversized Coach bag, and headed over to Sharon's lair of debauchery:

"Prepare to have your uterus ripped out via your constantly wide-opened mouth."

Of course Sharon tried to explain that it was meant for "someone else" but Phyllis didn't buy it...that is until she was camped outside of Shar's room and witnessed a passionate embrace DISCREETLY IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ATHLETIC CLUB HALLWAY:

*grody slurpy sounds*

*SKANK!*

Wherein Sharon wastes no time nailing Billy (during breakfast on Monday morning, mind you):

But being a fearless, sometimes confrontational blonde myself, there is still one strict rule: NEVER TAKE ON A RED HEAD. So Phyllis runs with this information and confronts the slut...and they realize that the only way they can settle this dilemma is by dueling their oral sex skills:

And though Sharon was the favorite in this competition,

Phyllis reminded us why Nick left Sharon, and collected her trophy.

This caused Sharon to have a major breakdown, and Phyllis was all, "Dude, it's about quality, not quantity. Quit crying, take your loss, and kick rocks."

So she goes crying to the Jackster and agrees to move back in with him so they can continue living their lives as Mr. and Mrs. Trainwreck.

And although Chloe isn't a red head, I'm not sure I'd take her on either (rather, she'd totes be my bff!). Unfortunately, her story this week was really boring. It was all: Chloe moves in with Billy; Billy bangs Sharon (above) and pisses off Chloe who moves BACK into the Chancellor estate; then back with Billy then BACK with mom...all in like ONE FUCKING DAY! AHHHH!!!! But the biggest shit went down when Billy bailed his baby on Jill to have sex with his blonde bimbo and then Cane came over all, "Ayyyy mate! That's myyy dawghta!" and files for sole custody a baby that isn't even biologically his (like, when he could have just bought a Ferarri and forgotten the whole mess):

"Why don't you go and have your own baby?!"

"Because I like yours betterrrrr..."

I am soooo gonna be on Maury next week...fuck.

Anyway, so Nicki decides that dating Paul has made her "Mrs. Shitty Private Detective" and she "accidentally" gets her ring stuck in Jill's hair to run a new DNA test.

"Ohhhh Jillll...your hair is soooo...err...soft?"

*alien hiss*

Then Mrs. C is all incognito thumbs up, and many of us start to wonder why we watch this show:

Luckily Devon reminded us that not EVERYONE on this show has an IQ of 72 when he rightfully confronted Neil about sleeping with Tyra:

"Yo my brother! Pound it out!"

"Yeah let's TALK about who you been POUNDING..."

".........."

Victor and Adam also had some father-son tension this week, too...wherein Adam got his ass BEAT in prison on account of his recent BLINDNESS, so Victor got the judge to release his busted-up son into his care:

*Sobbing Retard Noises*

So Kevin is still rockin' Clint's brainwashing and robbing banks in a squirrel suit, when Clint suddenly goes, "OUCH! My arm hurts!" and keels over from a heart attack:

Unfortunately, Kevin still thinks he's eight years-old and INSTEAD of rushing back to Genoa City, he just watched a SpongeBob marathon while eating an ENTIRE box of Coco Puffs.

And FINALLY the new DNA test results were in! But then Maury Povich goes, "Katherine, you are NOT the mother!" 

So of course everyone is SHOCKED, but like DUH! obviously Jill is like 108 years old and wears a wig so obviously they can't be a match! (But no really - something is fishy here - and it smells worse than Sharon's hotel room).

Sharon needs a new robe

Feb 23rd - March 13th

Sorry guys - I think I got hit with Bubonic Plague for a couple weeks.

Enter Billy, still reeling from a night of hot horny hanky panky with Sharon...
"Mawwwmmm...ummm...*belch*..."

"Seriously? I make you CEO of Jabot and you can't even come to work sober? Let alone the fact that I'm trying to ignore the smell of vomit and Chanel No. 5 intertwined from your hair..."

Enter Cane, pissed as hell.

"HEY! Guess WHAT?! I'm not the FUCKING baby daddy! It's my bro, BILLY!"

"Cane, baby...mama needs her pack of Virginia Slims and a bottle of Makers right now..."

Meanwhile, back at a cheap hotel, Mrs. C was playing the caring, kidnapped victim in an attempt to win over her crazed captor, Annie the Nurse. After just a few questions, Annie admitted that she was Roger's first wife - and now helps him swinde women for their dollars.

"Really? You voluntarily married Empty Nest guy? REALLY?"

"Frankly he has a TERRIFIC personality!"

"Bitch, please..."

"In fact, he bought me this fantastic wig that looks like a skinned fraggle...ahhh those were the days..."

"LORD ALMIGHTY when will this terrible story-line end?"

Cut to the weekly Scooby Doo Gang's meeting at Crimson Lights:

Kevin: "YES, Janna, our hip screenprinted shirts and gianormous posters will OBVIOUSLY help us locate Mrs. C!"

Amber: "Yeah, Janna - don't be a hater."

And before Billy could even shower, he realized that his only shot at getting custody of his new kin would be to suck it up and propose to Chloe, who was thrilled:

Simultaneously, Cane made haste to propose to Lily AGAIN (and this time he promised NOT to get wasted at her dad's bar and wake up with her assistant's panties around his head):

But just as Cane and Lily were making sweet reunited love, Billy "clarified" for his new lady that he's just not that into her:

"Yeahhh...I was thinking more that I could be a total deadbeat dad and that you would take me because your self-esteem is SO low right now..."

*sniffles* "What about that whole Cougars pep talk you gave meeeee?" 

"Well, I mean, we can still totally have sex if you want... "

*fuck*

So Chloe (like an independent woman should) called off the nuptials right quick...that is until Jack independently persuaded Billy to pledge his faith AND told Chloe that she and the baby could move into the poolhouse (recently visited by the Orkin Man to clear out the Glor-Jeff lovemaking germs), and she took the bastard back...but not before Amber had this weird, sad baby moment that left us thinking that she is SO gonna get preggers soon:

But then Billy was all MIA right off the bat because he had to bang Sharon one last time.

 *gttng u diapers - c u 2nite :]*

"Dude, Jacko - you got me to pack my baby over here but you ain't produced no daddy..."

Speaking of boys in trouble, Adam is also officially going BLIND. Who didn't SEE that one coming?! (sorry, bad joke). Anyway, so Heather is all, "I want to help you!" and Adam is all, "Bitch you locked me up!" So Heather tells The Mustache who, of course, will fix it somehow.

*Now if only I could block out the memories of my cellie masturbating*

BACK at the Scooby Doo Mystery, Kevin tracked Clint to the craptacular motel room where Esther and Mrs. C had their lesbian moment that Amanda  has been waiting for:

Esther: "Ohhhhh Mrs. C...I've always dreamed of lying on a cheap motel bed with you tied up in rope -"

*uncontrollable dry heaving*

"Excuse me. You're interrupting a long awaited, very intimate moment..."

Speaking of intimate moments, Sharon had about THREE HUNDRED AND FORTY TWO in the last couple weeks as her slut-dom challenges the theory of infinity. Let's count, shall we?

Billy = 1 (seen above)

Nick = 2

Jack = 3

I sure hope she leaves that robe for the maid to drop off at the cleaners. In addition, she has also become a amnesiac-klepto as she has been stealing then forgetting her thefts...causing us all to go, "Riiiiight..." 

But what could top an amnesiac-klepto-slut you ask? I'll tell you: Clint drugging Kevin and then taking completely posed polaroids of him planting a bomb to blow up Mrs. C and Esther and then putting it on Flickr. Seriously, check this shit out. Maybe Clint has seen a few too many episodes of Magnum PI or something:

"AHHHHHH!"

And, yet, for as cheesy and ridiculous as everything else is, I officially nominate Greg Rikaart for a Daytime Emmy for his claustrophic moments in the trunk of the car juxtaposed with his memories of childhood closet beatings. Props to the writers on that one.

*wiping tears from my eyes*

Anyway, back to the cheese-o-riffic: So Amber realizes that Kevin found the motel room and rushes to Mrs. C's aid (Gloria following in tow), and as the bomb ticks down, it seems as if everyone will clear the room before the explosion:

but Mrs. C goes, "Whoops!"

And the bomb goes, "BOOM!"

Then back at the Athletic Club, Victor and Ashley go:

"BABY TIME!"

And we groan.

UGH and here comes another giant groan. So Karen tells Neil that if he wants to stay married (which they enjoyed for what? A MONTH?!) that he would need to fire that slutbag Tyra. Neil agrees, and goes to Indigo to drop the axe...but then realizes that the axe is apparently in his pants:

Luckily Mrs. C's body is found in one piece (which is important at her age) and she is taken to the hospital where (prepare for irony) she suddenly remembers her life as Katherine Chancellor, BUT NOT THE LAST FOUR MONTHS! Oh no! So she spends a bunch of time trying to convince people who she really is, and FINALLY Nicki realizes the truth:

Unfortunately, Kevin is missing as Clint has brainwashed him by beating and locking poor Kev in a closet by night, and forced to rob banks wearing a mascot costume by day (which I can assure you from personal experience is quite sweaty):

TV: "Earlier today a well-dressed chipmunk robbed a pawn shop. The unidentified chipmunk took $98 cash and several Huey Lewis records..."

And help me out here: is that or is that not Phyllis's nipple?